Weekend Update on a Cheating Scrabble Player – SNL

Weekend Update on a Cheating Scrabble Player – SNL


>>>THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK,
AND HERE WITH HIS UNIQUE TAKE ON THE HOLIDAY IS VETERAN STAND-UP
COMIC BRUCE CHANDLING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>OH, HEY. NOW WHERE’S THE FOOD, DUDE?
>>WELL, BRUCE, AS YOU KNOW, THANKSGIVING ISN’T UNTIL NEXT
THURSDAY.>>NO, I KNOW.
I’M JUST HUNGRY.>>THANKS SO MUCH.
BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE THANKSGIVING, RIGHT?
I LOVE THE STORY OF THANKSGIVING.
PILGRIMS COME TO AMERICA. THEY ARE ON THIS BIG BOAT.
BUT IT’S NOT AN EASY JOURNEY, RIGHT?
THEY GOTTA DEAL WITH THE COLD WEATHER, CRAMPED QUARTERS,
PEOPLE GETTING SICK, AND WORST OF ALL, BAD SATELLITE RECEPTION
WHEN THEY ARE TRYING THE WATCH THE BIG GAME.
>>I’M SORRY, YOU THINK THAT PILGRIMS HAD TV, BUT WITH BAD
RECEPTION?>>EXACTLY.
THE STAR OF THE SHOW IS THE BIG MEAL, RIGHT?
OF COURSE I AM A CORN ON COBB GUY.
YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?>>YEAH.
>>SEEN THIS? I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THE STUFF.
BUT THE INDIANS, THEY DON’T CALL IT CORN.
THEY CALL IT MAIZE. AS IN, MAIZE I HAVE A SECOND
HELPING?>>OH, BRUCE.
I DON’T LIKE THAT ONE AT ALL,>>WHAT’S THE MATTER, MICHAEL,
TOO CORNY?>>PLEASE STOP.
>>JUST 45 MINUTES LEFT. THANKS FOR HELPING OUT A FELLOW
COMIC. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.
>>I THINK WE ARE PRETTY DIFFERENT, ACTUALLY.
OF COURSE, THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING, THEY GOT BLACK
FRIDAY. SEEN THIS ONE?
IT’S WHERE YOU GOT ALL THE DEALS AT THE MINI MALL.
>>MINI MALL?>>PERSONALLY, I THINK THEY
SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME FROM BLACK FRIDAY TO BLACK AND BLUE
FRIDAY. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU ARE GOING
TO LOOK IF YOU GET BETWEEN ME AND THE HOTTEST NEW TOY.
>>YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY FIGHTING PEOPLE FOR TOYS, ARE YOU?
>>DON’T WORRY, MICHAEL. I AIN’T.
I MEAN, EVEN IF I GOT THE TOY, I WOULDN’T HAVE ANYONE SPECIAL TO
GIVE IT TO. I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE A LITTLE
BRUCE, YOU KNOW? BUT I CAN’T.
BECAUSE MY BODY DON’T WORK THAT WAY.
>>ALL RIGHT. I’M SORRY ABOUT THAT, BRUCE.
>>PROBABLY FOR THE BEST. I WOULDN’T EVEN BE ABLE TO TAKE
CARE OF HIM. I CAN’T GET A JOB.
DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WRITE CURSIVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I DON’T THINK YOU NEED TO
KNOW CURSIVE TO GET A JOB.>>THE PROBLEM IS, I DON’T KNOW
NON-CURSIVE EITHER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>BRUCE, YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE SOME CLASSES, MAN.
WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER AND CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING WITH ME
AND MY FAMILY. HOW ABOUT THAT?
>>HMM. I GUESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY? WHERE’S THE FOOD, DUDE?
>>THAT WAS THE WORST ONE YET. BRUCE CHANDLING, EVERYBODY.
>>HEY, STILL GOT 42 MINUTES LEFT!
>>NO, YOU’RE DONE. YOU’RE DONE.
>>I THINK HE’S GETTING BETTER.>>>THE ASSOCIATION OF BRITISH
SCRABBLE PLAYERS HAS BANNED A STAR PLAYER FOR THREE YEARS
AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT CHEATING. IN RESPONSE THE PLAYER HAS
RELEASED THIS STATEMENT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>>A MAN IN ARIZONA IS CLAIMING THAT HE CAN RELIEVE SINUS
PRESSURE IN HIS NOSE BY MASTURBATING.
HE FIRST MADE THE CLAIM WHILE POLICE WERE REMOVING HIM FROM
THE BUS.>>>THE MAKERS OF POKEMON GO ARE
NOW DEVELOPING A SIMILAR GAME BASED ON THE WORLD OF
HARRY POTTER. THE GAME WILL BE CALLED
“HARRY POTTER AND THE KIDS WHO WANDERED INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.”
[ LAUGHTER ]>>>WELL, 47 MILLION PEOPLE WILL
TRAVEL THIS YEAR TO GET HOME FOR THANKSGIVING.
HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS ON GOING HOME FOR THE HOLIDAY IS
PETE DAVIDSON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO, COLIN. HOW ARE YOU?
>>I’M GOOD. NOW PETE, SO YOU AND I ARE BOTH
FROM STATEN ISLAND. DO YOU PLAN ON GOING HOME FOR
THANKSGIVING?>>NO.
I DON’T. IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE MY
FAMILY. I DO.
BUT AT THIS POINT THANKSGIVING DINNER IS JUST A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
ASKING ME WHAT KATE McKINNON IS LIKE.
AND I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW. SHE NEVER TALKS TO ME.
PLUS, I FEEL LIKE MY HOMETOWN DOESN’T REALLY LIKE ME EITHER.
>>WHY WOULDN’T THEY LIKE YOU? PEOPLE THERE ARE SO NICE.
>>OF COURSE YOU SAY THAT. YOU’RE LIKE THE MOST POPULAR
PERSON FROM THERE. THIS IS HOW THEY WRITE ABOUT
COLIN IN OUR HOMETOWN NEWSPAPER, THE “STATEN ISLAND ADVANCE.”
“COLIN JOST TEES UP. IT’S ABOUT THREE WEEKS ‘TIL
ELECTION, BUT YOU COULD NEVER TELL BY COLIN JOST’S SWING.”
HERE’S HOW THEY WRITE ABOUT ME. THIS IS A REVIEW OF A WEEKEND
UPDATE APPEARANCE I DID. “THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS ONE
WAS HIS INTERACTION WITH COLIN JOST.”
SERIOUSLY, IT’S CRAZY.
AND LOOK AT THE PICTURES THEY USE OF YOU.
RIGHT? AND NOW LOOK AT THE PICTURES
THEY USE OF ME. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DON’T LIKE YOU?
>>I HAVE NO IDEA. I MEAN, IF I HAD TO GUESS, IT’S
MAYBE SOMETHING I SAID IN AN INTERVIEW ONCE,
THAT I WISHED THAT WHEN HURRICANE SANDY HIT
STATEN ISLAND THAT IT HAD “FINISHED THE JOB.”
>>I REMEMBER THAT ONE.>>MAYBE I DID CROSS THE LINE.
BUT WHEN A REPORTER FROM STATEN ISLAND WROTE ABOUT IT IN THE
POST, HERE’S WHAT HE SAID, KEEP TALKING LIKE THAT, AND YOU WILL
BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES. THAT’S A DEATH THREAT.
IN A NEWSPAPER. WHO DOES THAT?
WHAT ARE YOU, THE ZODIAC? THEN HE SAID THIS —
“TRY TAKING A CUE FROM YOUR FELLOW ‘SNL’ CAST MEMBER,
COLIN&JOST. HE’S ALSO WAY BETTER LOOKING
THAN YOU.”>>I CAN SEE HOW WHAT YOU SAID
MIGHT MAKE YOU UNPOPULAR.>>IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
BUT LIKE A SERIOUS JOKE. YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN YOU ARE JOKING BUT YOU MEAN IT?
I DON’T EVEN FEEL THAT WAY ANYMORE.
I WOULD BE JUST AS HAPPY IF THERE WAS NO HURRICANE AND
STATEN ISLAND JUST FELL INTO THE SEA.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>TAKE IT EASY.
>>NO, NO. SERIOUSLY — NO.
IF STATEN ISLAND IS SO DESIRABLE, THEN WHY IS IT FREE
TO GET THERE? DON’T GET ME WRONG.
DON’T GET ME WRONG. I KNOW STATEN ISLAND ISN’T ALL
HEROIN AND RACIST COPS. IT ALSO HAS METH AND RACIST
FIREFIGHTERS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING IS NOT THE STATEN ISLAND I KNOW,
PETE.>>THAT’S BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU,
BECAUSE YOU REPRESENT WHAT THEY COULD BE.
A KID WHO GOT OUT, WENT TO HARVARD, AND IS NOW ACCORDING TO
PEOPLE MAGAZINE, THE WORLD’S SEXIEST JOKE WRITER.
AND THE REASON STATEN ISLAND HATES ME IS BECAUSE I REPRESENT
WHAT THEY ARE. YOU KNOW, A MENTALLY ILL
COMMUNITY COLLEGE DROPOUT WHO GOT A “GAME OF THRONES” TATTOO
BEFORE WATCHING THE SHOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
DIRE WOLVES LOOK DOPE. I DON’T NEED TO KNOW WHAT’S
GOING ON. CONGRATS ON THAT SEXIEST GUY.
>>YEAH, YEAH.>>RELAX.
OKAY. LET’S BE HONEST.
THE SEXIEST JOKE WRITER IS A REALLY SPECIFIC CATEGORY.
IT’S LIKE BEING THE WORLD’S SMARTEST HORSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>SO THEN YOU ARE NOT GOING
HOME FOR THANKSGIVING?>>OH, NO.
I AM.>>PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE.
>>WHAT DID I SAY?>>FOR “WEEKEND UPDATE”, I’M
COLIN JOST.>>I’M MICHAEL CHE.
GOODNIGHT!