So man, I’m excited. Look how official we are, so professional. …but we’re gonna play some MS-DOS games and find out. So we start with vineBab. Baby, animals… Fording rivers? Avoiding dysentery? I’m not sure. Snacks? Potato chips? [honking noise] Oh, this is… this is frighteningly bad. [another honking noise] What’s the problem? Oh, it looks like you need some baby brand potato chips! Wow. [more honking noise] [yet another honking noise] Honk. You– you lose swole whenever you crash into a wall. Oh, wait, wait, I can crawl. I get it now. I get it. I get it. I get it. [honk] Oh. Eaten by a tiger. [bab noise] [Laughs hysterically] Oh, no! Baby shits itself: the newest toy from Scumco! That looks like a long… …thing with veins on it… …being viewed through a series of windows. I don’t think I like fleshy vein UI. What platformer would you ever play, where if you touch a wall by accident, you take damage? What did I hit my head on? WHAT DID I GET DAMAGED BY? [Buzzer noise] It’s…panda? Panda, Panda, Panda? Is that, um… Is that Adolf Hitler? I– Is this a bowling game…? Um, with…with Hitler. Yup, video games were a mistake. Um, so it’s a lady with bowling pin tits. And…I see the swastika. There he is. And some ass. Of course, Sherlock Holmes is involved. I just have to be Sherlock Holmes. Who’s it gonna pick for player two? I think it’s random. It’s randomly going to choose someone. It didn’t choose Hitler. WHAT THE FUCK?! Why am I able to bowl in Nazi Germany?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GAME?! WHO MADE THIS?! And that’s not–! That’s not even Sherlock Holmes that’s bowling. That’s not…again, that’s not the character that was chosen, because the ass is covered, and it wasn’t a minute ago! (GAME CHARACTER: Oh yeah!) [Vinny laughs] [Laughs] Oh, Jesus fuck! But the–the tank top lifts…during the celebration. I want to see Sherlock Holmes…in, like, a bondage outfit, celebrating. I don’t WANT to see it, but I– you know, I’m predicting that’s gonna happen. I think. Am I playing? This is the gameplay? This is like Dragon’s Lair in terms of the amount of control you have over your character. But yeah, you get, you know, no backstory or anything. I don’t know who these char– What if they’re brothers? Who’s the fish? Your name, Marine Man Jaw. I’m pressing a number of different buttons to try to move my character forward. Unfortunate– [Gong noise] What? Level complete. Wait, you don’t move your marine? What, what do you mean–[gets close to the mic] what do you– What– What do you mean, “level complete”? I didn’t do anything. I found out how to jump. Still haven’t figured it– Oh, oh I figured it– Oh, oh, I did it. I did it. Not like it matters, you can still complete the level without moving anywhere. Invincible? Why am I invincible? I’m–I’m not complaining, but why? Got some noodly…noodly lanky-ass motherfucking legs. Like, was there any– Is there necessity for me to beat the shit out of this poor guy? Don’t you walk away. I’ve got– we’ve gotta talk… …I think. What– whoa. That’s a good menu man. Thanks, Menu Man. This is- (laughing) This is how the dinosaurs went extinct! Damn, man, Triceratops. (laughing) They’ve– They’ve evolved to wear clothes! I love this! “You are John Parker, Rasta Soldier–” (laughing) (clap) [in a high voice] His name is John! Ohhh, no! It’s like I made this up on my stream. “If the man kills all your herb the game is over.” Wha– What. (laughing) Look at– DSwizzy is in there! Why is “Satan_666”? (Vinny laughs) Really, am I– am I really? This is what this game is? This is definitely not “peace and love, mon”. Thanks, Jah. What is that? Is that the Showtime Pizza bear? How do I do the thing? No, no, no! [muffled explosion sound] That is a smug, Mickey Mouse looking motherfucker right there. The emotion on the face of that bear does not at all match. A traumatizing and horrific train crash. “Guess my train crashed. Oh well.” [quietly] Here we go… Wow, that is some realistic blood skulls. Battle of the eras. Oh man those textures. (laugh) Oh my god! Oh my god! “Round 1” …what the fuck is this? “Fight!” Come on, fight, get up! Get up asshole! It… it’s supposed to be a blood pile? Sho-Jin, look at that son of a bitch. Son of an ancient karate master, Sho-Jin is looking for revenge after the murder of his father, of course! Master, look at these… Masters! Is that… a badass cyborg? (wheeze) A BADASS CYBORG?! (wheeze) Very young, like… like pumpkin mixed with Matt Damon. Cyborg outfit? Is that supposed to be a shield? WASD, Y, T? (laughs) Stop hitting yourself! This is a transformative experience. Okay. *game quit sound* Mmm? Crimewave. Let’s do some crimes. I need to see what this game looks like. That title screen is so fucking good. That was a disappointment. (snicker) (laughing) (laughs) I don’t know how to shoot! (laugh) Okay, I know how to shoot now! (laughing) Fucking rocket launcher, look! His leg is still on fire! They just explode into legs! Like… like all this stuff happening in the HUD. Like- What the fuck are they? They’re- so they’re watching this at their base? Bloody burning legs flying everywhere? Ah, comedy sound effects. Stock comedy sound effects are really good for- Oh, is that it? Xenomorph? It’s a silly Xenomorph! That’s the attack. It’s a chewing gum. Kinda reminds me of… a worse Lester the Unlikely. Yup. …is that about sums it up, doesn’t it? Barkarf, it’s gonna be a dog, isn’t it? Versus Jumpy? It’s gonna be a rabbit. Nope, I was totally wrong (laugh) on both accounts. “I will bick you to death”? What does that mean? What the fuck is this shit? All right, this is just insane Pokemon, medieval like gladiatorial Pokemon. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe eyeball could win against a peck… a peck beast. That’s just got to be really fucking painful. The power of the bick is just too strong. I mean, it’s kind of cool. I’ll get to chop off my head. Oh nice, nice! *in-game scream* (Vinny laughs again) I’m riding a fucking dragon… I mean, it looks… kinda cool? You know until we start dipping down to like five frames a second. (sigh) A lot of things in common with the other games I played tonight, like for example, it’s nearly fucking impossible to play. Uh, extremely bloody? I like how that person is just hovering. Most, actually most people are just hovering. Ah, That’s good. Uh, thank you. Um, thank you. Wow, this guy is jacked off! Crystal Map. Sick… bro, this is… bro. [guitar screech] (short sigh) These uh, sidescroll- oh my god. Dude went like Super Saiyan from his crotch. That was the Big Bang attack of this game. Oh shit. I don’t understand how this is working… but… You know if it means saving my classmates, sure, I’ll burp on them. Look at that crusty art style. Okay, so the classic characters… Zippy… Gutrip… Halfwit… Bogey… Klubbor… and Kewpud- (laugh) Excuse me? It’s Pong. Wow, that was a lot of… effort? For Pong? “Oh yes, to the magnificent bovine.” “Moo.” *cow eats that guy* “Nogginknockers 2!” I’m no longer of this Earth… (hilarious laugh) (laugh continues) (still laughing) Holy shit! (inaudible) That is incredible! (laugh) Shit, the way she’s… delivers that line is insane. WHY AM I STILL FIGHTING HER??? (laugh) I don’t fight her anymore! (the laugh continues again) (???)Mam slayve! I don’t know how to properly express… My extreme bemusement and bewilderment at this. Oh, shit… Holy fucking shit. *inaudible ingame voice and sounds* Okay, alright, you’re breathing into your microphone, I get it. *more inaudible horror-like voice* I… I hate this. Excuse me? Luke? Aerosmith… Vod mute?