Trump Fears The Coronavirus Crisis Will Spoil His Reelection Campaign

Trump Fears The Coronavirus Crisis Will Spoil His Reelection Campaign


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE BIG STORY–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’M GLAD TO HEAR THESE PEOPLE
ALL SOUND HEALTHY AND HAPPY, BECAUSE THE BIG STORY CONTINUES
TO BE THE LOOMING THREAT OF THE CORONAVIRUS. FOR LENT, I AM GIVING UP LICKING
DOORKNOBS. NOW, CONCERNS OF A GLOBAL
PANDEMIC ARE GROWING, BUT FEAR NOT– THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE HAS
A SOLEMN DUTY TO PROTECT HIMSELF, BECAUSE THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN IS AFRAID THAT THE CORONAVIRUS WILL HURT HIS
RE-ELECTION BID. I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT
TRANSCRIPT BEING RELEASED.( AS TRUMP )
“HELLO, UKRAINE? I NEED INFORMATION ON A
‘HUNTER’ CORONAVIRUS.”( LAUGHTER )
SO YESTERDAY, TRUMP TRIED TO REASSURE US.>>THERE’S A VERY GOOD CHANCE
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DIE.( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: OH, REALLY? REALLY?>>Jon: YE, REALLY NICE.>>Stephen: THAT’S VERY
COMFORTING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.( AS PILOT )
“AH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. WE ARE BEGINNING OUR FINAL
DESCENT INTO CHICAGO’S O’HARE AIRPORT. PUT YOUR TRAY TABLES UP, BECAUSE
WE’VE GOT A SOLID CHANCE OF LANDING THIS SUCKER. I SAY, ODDS ARE 60-40 WE WALK
AWAY FROM THIS.” TRUMP KNOWS WHO’S TO BLAME FOR
WHAT HE SEES AS UNNECESSARY PANIC: “LOW RATINGS FAKE NEWS
MSDNC, COMCAST, AND CNN ARE DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO
MAKE THE CARE-ONAVIRUS LOOK AS BAD AS POSSIBLE.”( AS TRUMP )
“THE CARE-ONAVIRUS IS TOTALLY CONTAINED. IT WILL NOT BECOME A
PAM-DAME-IC, LIKE SMALL PAX, THE SWANE FLU, OR SEARS.”( LAUGHTER )
NOW, WHY IS HE BLAMING THE MEDIA FOR A DISEASE? WELL, HERE’S THE THING, THE
STOCK MARKET FELL ALMOST 2,000 POINTS IN TWO DAYS AND WAS DOWN
AGAIN TODAY. SO TO QUELL THE PANIC ON THE
STREET, TRUMP DISPATCHED WHITE HOUSE ECONOMIC ADVISER AND–
OH, MY GOD. HE’S GOT THE VIRUS!( LAUGHTER )
I’M SORRY, THAT’S JUST WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE. LARRY KUDLOW. KUDLOW WENT ON THE TV YESTERDAY
AND HE SAID THESE WORDS:>>WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS. WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS. I WON’T SAY AIRTIGHT, BUT PRETTY
CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT.>>Stephen: OH, GOOD, OH,
GOOD. BECAUSE ALL YOU NEED TO PREVENT
THE SPREAD OF A VIRUS IS “PRETTY CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT.” I MEAN, WE ALL WATCHED “THE HOT
ZONE”:>>HOLE! HOLE! HOLE! IT’S STILL PRETTY CLOSE TOW
AIRTIGHT.( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: ANOTHER I DON’T KNOW HOW THAT SHOW ENDS. ANOTHER TRUMP GUY TRYING TO PUT
THE NATION AT EASE IS ACTING HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY AND
MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HIS NAME IS CHAD WOLF. CHAD WOLF. YESTERDAY, IN HIS SENATE
TESTIMONY, THE WOLF GOT NEUTERED BY REPUBLICAN JOHN KENNEDY ABOUT
THE PERCENTAGE OF CORONAVIRUS MORTALITY RATES.>>IT’S BETWEEN WOEN.5 AND 2%.>>OKAY, WHAT’S THE MORTALITY
RATE FOR INFLUENZA OVER THE LAST, SAY, TEN YEARS?>>IT’S ALSO RIGHT AROUND THAT
PERCENTAGE AS WELL. I DON’T HAVE THAT OFFHAND, BUT
IT’S AROUND 2% AS WELL.>>YOU SURE OF THAT?>>IT’S A LITTLE– YES SIR.>>Stephen: JUDGES? (“PRICE IS RIGHT” LOSING
TROMBONE SOUNDS) CHAD, I’M SORRY. THE MORTALITY RATE FOR THE FLU
IS ACTUALLY AROUND 0.1%. SO HE WAS ONLY OFF BY 2000%. HE WOULD BE A TERRIBLE
PHARMACIST.( AS PHARMACIST )
“OKAY, HERE’S YOUR PRESCRIPTION. YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO TAKE 200
PILLS EVERY FOUR MINUTES WITH A MEAL.” LOUVRE LAUGH
NOW, FEAR OF THE VIRUS HAS LED MANY TO WEAR MASKS IN THE UNITED
STATES, AND THE C.D.C. HAS RELEASED THIS ACTUAL GRAPHIC,
DETAILING WHICH STYLES OF FACIAL HAIR ARE BEST FOR WEARING
RESPIRATOR MASKS AND WHICH ONES DO NOT WORK. OH, GOD, ALL OF BROOKLYN IS
DEAD. LOUVRE LAUGH THIGH WILL BE
MISSED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY WILL BE MISSED. OF COURSE, THE STYLE THAT GIVES
THE MASK THE BEST SEAL IS CLEAN-SHAVEN, BUT OTHER SAFE
STYLES INCLUDE ZORRO, WALRUS, AND, BEST OF ALL, SOUL PATCH. SO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR
CONTINUED HEALTH SMASH MOUTH! ♪ SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME
MY BEARD WAS GONNA SAVE ME ♪ I’M PRETTY COOL THAT
I’M NOT DEAD ♪ NOTICE WE’RE ALL– THAT’S ALL
THERE IS, THAT’S ALL THERE IS OF THAT SONG. WE’RE ALL STILL RECOVERING FROM
LAST NIGHT’S DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, WHERE ALL THE CANDIDATES ADOPTED
BERNIE’S PLAN OF YELLING ABOUT BERNIE’S PLANS. LOUVER LAUGH
I’LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE CAMPAIGN IN TONIGHT’S:
>>I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.>>I BEAT TRUMP.>>THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION IS
THAT I’M BORING.>>WE’RE AT EACH OTHERS’
THROATS.>>MADE A LOT OF MONEY.>>I’M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN
LIKE A DRUM.>>BING-BING, BOANG-BONG.>>”FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE, 2020.”>>Stephen: TODAY–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE LOVE– PEOPLE LOVE “THE
FURY ROAD.” TODAY, DONALD TRUMP JUMPED IN
WITH HIS OWN REVIEW OF THE DEBATE:
“CRAZY, CHAOTIC DEMOCRAT DEBATE LAST NIGHT. FAKE NEWS SAID BIDEN DID WELL,
EVEN THOUGH HE SAID HALF OF OUR POPULATION WAS SHOT TO DEATH. WOULD BE OVER FOR MOST. MINI-MIKE WAS WEAK AND UNSTEADY,
BUT HELPED GREATLY BY HIS MANY COMMERCIALS, WHICH ARE NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE ALLOWED– DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT– DURING A DEBATE. POCAHONTAS WAS MEAN AND
UNDISCIPLINED, MOSTLY AIMING AT CRAZY BERNIE AND MINI-MIKE. THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE
HER, BUT I KNOW SHE IS A “CHOCKER.”( LAUGHTER )
“CHOKE.>>Stephen: “CHOKER.” I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SPELL
“CHOKER” BUT FAILED TO PERFORM THE CRUCIAL TASK AT THE KEY
MOMENT WHEN EVERYTHING WAS ON THE LINE. NOW, ONE CANDIDATE WHO’S WORKING
HARD– TOOK A SECOND BUT THUMP. ONE CANDIDATE WHO’S WORKING HARD
TO RECAPTURE THE LEAD IS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO
BREAKS ALL THE HEARTS ON BINGO NIGHT, JOE BIDEN.( LAUGHTER )
JOE HAS BEEN HITTING THE TRAIL HARD IN RECENT WEEKS, AND HE’S
BEEN REPEATING THIS STORY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE TRIED TO
VISIT NELSON MANDELA IN PRISON.>>I CAME BACK FROM SOUTH AFRICA
TRYING TO SEE NELSON MANDELA AND GETTING ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO
SEE HIM ON ROBBIN’S ISLAND. I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF MEETING
HIM. I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF BEING
ARRESTED WITH OUR U.N. AMBASSADOR TRYING TO GET TO SEE
HIM IN ROBBINS ISLAND.>>Stephen: THAT’SOON
INCREDIBLY MOVING STORY. THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE
IT EVEN MORE MOVING IS IS IF IT HAPPENED. BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, HE WAS NOT
ARRESTED. IN FACT, HIS CAMPAIGN HAS
ADMITTED THAT, NO, HE DID NOT WHILE HE WAS A CONGRESSIONALLAL
TRIP IN THE 1970s, BIDEN WAS NOTE ARRESTED BUT HE WAS
SEPARATED FROM HIS PARTY AT THE AIRPORT. NELSON MANDELA WAS IN PRISON FOR
27 YEARS BUT ONE TIME I LOST SIGHT OF MY COWORKERS IN A DELTA
TERMINAL. WAIT, WHERE DID YOU GO? THERE YOU ARE. THERE YOU ARE. WYATT, YOU’RE GONE NOW. BARACK! BARACK!( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF DELUSIONAL, FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR AND OLD MAN
ASKING “NOW IS THIS THE WHIP OR THE NAE NAE.” MICHAEL BLOOMBERG. MAYOR BLOOMBERG HAS GOTTEN A LOT
OF ATTENTION FOR OPENING A FIRE HYDRANT OF MONEY TO SPREAD HIS
CORE MESSAGE THAT HE HAS A FIRE HYDRANT OF MONEY AND NOW HE’S
TRYING TO PUSH THINGS EVEN FURTHER BY CLAIMING HE TOOK ON A
NEW CAMPAIGN ADVISER: THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF E! THAT’S RIGHT, HE’S GETTING
ADVICE FROM THE FOLKS THAT BROUGHT YOU THE KARDASHIANS. SO GET READY TO SEE MIKE
BLOOMBERG BREAK THE INTERNET. HE LOOKS GOOD. HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD. APPARENTLY, THE PRIMARY TASK OF
THIS NEW ADVISOR IS TO GET LATE-NIGHT HOSTS TO WORK
CAMPAIGN THEMES INTO THEIR MONOLOGUES, CLAIMING, “IF YOU
HEAR STEPHEN COLBERT MENTIONING MIKE BLOOMBERG MORE OFTEN IN THE
COMING WEEKS, IT MAY NOT BE BY ACCIDENT.” I RESENT THAT ACCUSATION! LOUVRE LAUGH
ALL OF MY MONOLOGUE COMES TOGETHER BY ACCIDENT.( LAUGHTER )
JIM, SHOW HIM MY WRITERS’ ROOM. THAT’S MY HEAD WRITER. THAT’S PICKLES. THAT IS MY HEAD WRITER, PICKLES. HE HAS BEEN WITH ME SINCE ’57. HE’S NOT TRYING TO BUY TIME IN
LATE NIGHT. HE WANTS TO DEVELOP UNPAID
RELATIONSHIPS WITH LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW HOSTS. WHICH I FIND EVEN MORE
INSULTING. AS A PRINCIPLED COMEDIAN, I
WOULD NEVER SHAPE MY CONTENT AROUND A PERSON OR A BRAND FOR
FREE. NO! NO!>>Jon: COME ON NOW.>>Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A
BETRAYAL OF ALL THE BRANDS WHO PAY ME. SO, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, LISTEN
HERE: IF YOU COME KNOCKING ON MY DOOR, I WON’T ANSWER. BUT I WILL KNOW YOU’RE THERE
THANKS TO NEST DOORBELL FROM GOOGLE. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. JASON SEGAL IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I HAVE A
MEAL WITH ELIZABETH WARREN. STICK AROUND.