THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN JUST BREAKING THE CYCLE

THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN JUST BREAKING THE CYCLE


Hello and welcome to another episode
of Essential Healing. I’m your host Dawn Petek and today’s conversation
is about there being more to it than just breaking
the cycle or breaking the pattern. The other day we went bowling
for our daughter’s birthday and I haven’t bowled in years.
it’s one of those things that I’m always excited to go but
I also I think no in the back of my mind that I’m gonna feel completely
awkward at it. The past I’ve hated doing stuff like
that, like I didn’t like doing things like sports because you know
it would be something that I have an audience for like either
something somebody watching or you know even having teammates
or other players who are watching my performance because
if it was something that I felt like it would expose me like I could
I could make a clumsy mistake and that mistake would.
Attention to me and I typically try to stay in the shadows.
That’s one of my I guess survival techniques that I learned
along the way as a result to some of my trauma that I learned
that one of the ways that I could you know avoid having things
happen to me was to stay hidden and so I typically in the
past have picked things that would keep me in the shadows that
we keep me hidden so. That you know not wanting to be out in
front of people. I typically would pick you know different roles
in in businesses or in my career where I was more in a support
role more behind the scenes so I didn’t have to be out
in front. you know again, you know you know just being in a space
where I wasn’t bringing attention to myself even in social
settings, you know just trying to you know kinda stay on
the sidelines kinda stay you know again behind the scenes but
but the other day when we went bowling It was it was a little different.
I’m not sure why exactly I think part of it was that
I was doing my best just to focus on having fun. I think part
of it is that I’ve I’ve worked on you know and getting better
at accepting myself as I am and not expecting more of myself
than what I can do and I think also it’s that I’ve worked
on you know being okay with being. Scene you know having you
know being authentic being true and not worrying about you
know and and not having that be something that is a trigger for
me to feel like others can see the real me that it that it’s not
something that makes me feel so vulnerable and exposed like those
are all things that I’ve worked on and but still sports is
also something that just. Doesn’t feel like they come naturally
to me and I realized that the other part of it is for me is
that in my head, I see myself being an expert as soon as I step
out on the stage the field or the dance floor, but it doesn’t
usually work that way. I mean if if if you’ve ever tried doing
some sort of you know, dance routine or dance move that you’ve
you know seen someone else do or maybe seen on TV and you know.
Envision in your mind that you know you’re just gonna be automatically
graceful in your body is just gonna to move that
way automatically and then you try to do it and you feel like you’re
just all over the place. Then you probably know exactly what
I’m talking about. that it’s you know you you may envision
that it’s gonna work that way but you know when you try to
do it, it just doesn’t come out the way that you do. you think
it’s going to you know that it doesn’t look that way now I know
with. I can get better at anything that I wanna do, but it’s
working on that expectation that it’s gonna happen automatically
now Indiana the past also if I really embarrassed myself then
I might never do that sport again. I did that with diving one
time my mom and my uncle were both excellent swimmers. My uncle
was on a dive team. he was an. Diver I remember we were on
vacation one time in Lake at Lake Powell and he climbed up to
the top of this cliff. I I have no idea how high it was, but
I mean it’s to me from the ground is you know from the water
level. It seems like it was about a hundred feet. I don’t know
whether it was it was that far, but you know as my younger
self of course, you know it. it looked like a really huge distance
and he did a Swan dive off of the cliff. And I just remember
thinking how amazing that was to see him do that how beautiful
and how graceful it was and so we when I was a teenager I would
go to the Rec Center in the afternoons I had a schedule that
was a little flexible when I was in high school to where I wasn’t
in school all day long and so I would spend the afternoon sometimes
at the pool practicing to do practicing diving and one
of the dives that I. Over and over and over was doing a Jack knife
where you you know basically go off the diving board.
you you try to jump up high reach down and touch your toes and
then straighten back out before you you go into the water
and I remember it felt so good to be able to enter the water so
smoothly. it felt like it was a part of me and I was a part of
it and so I wanted to learn more. I wanted to get as good as
my uncle was and so I decided to take a class and I remember.
The Gentleman, who taught the class at the pool several times
I saw some of the dives that he did. He was absolutely amazing but
I remember standing in line waiting to get up to the diving
board. he wanted us to stand on the edge of the board backwards
so basically facing the back of the board with our back to the pool
and then just jump backwards off into the water. it
was one of the first steps, he said to learning how to do a back
dive but instead of jumping. I attempted to just do the dive
like in my mind. I just saw me being able to do it automatically
just you know just you know succeeding on it, the first time
and what happened instead was that I hit the water flat on my
back. I felt the sting I know everyone at the pool that evening
saw it and heard it. it was loud and when I came to the. I saw
the instructor Windsong and turning away. He knew the pain that
I felt and but I took the response that I saw on his face
and I felt just extreme shame. when I came to the when I got out
of the pool, I don’t really really remember him saying much
to me and if he did what I took from, it was him reminding me that
I need to listen to his instruction and instead of. Thinking
that I could just do it myself without practicing essentially
I don’t think he had much teaching experience but the result
for me was that I never went back. I never went back to the class
again. I don’t even know that I kept going back to the pool
that often after that because I felt so much shame and
embarrassment and of of not being able to do that dive. what
I mean, you know I mean. That was what I took away from it was
that since I couldn’t do it I just felt so much shame it brought
attention to me. Everybody could see that I had you know shamed
myself, essentially in this way and so I didn’t go back
to it and there’s a series of similar experiences that I’ve had
when it comes to sports volleyball, softball field hockey
pool bowling golf you name it now. I’ve always wanted to just
have fun. Playing these sports, but I always felt like I ended up
flat on my back in some way and I hated that feeling so again
I didn’t go back so it was you know feeling like I couldn’t
do it like it didn’t come naturally to me. so that meant that
I couldn’t do it at all. it was bringing attention to myself
negative attention. shame all of those things I didn’t wanna do
and as a result, I’ve realized that deep down. Even though
I envision having fun playing sports that it’s something
that I dread like I dread doing it and bowling is one of those
things. I try to put on an excited face but deep down I dread
it now. I think sometimes I forget that I dried it, especially
when it comes to things like bowling. I forget that I dread it
once every few years or so. so then we go like I said, I was
excited to go bowling the other day, but then I feel clumsy
and awkward my hand cramps up. And I’m reminded why I don’t
do it or like, said I’ve I’m reminded I end up bullying. You
know getting kind of a low score and then I’m reminded why
I don’t do it very often. but the day we went for our daughter’s
birthday. It was different. I didn’t go in with any expectations.
I knew I would suck at it and that was okay. it didn’t matter.
We were just there to spend time together and with our
daughter our son picked out a Bowl for me, it was perfect. it
fit my hand and fingers well and it wasn’t too heavy for me.
I noticed that my hand and my forearm hurt just a little bit as
I held it, but I did my best not to pay too much attention to
it. As I stepped up to Bowl the first few frames, I decided
to do something different if you’ve ever bold. then you know
that there are several dots on the floor before the lane in the
series of arrows on the lane itself. usually I put. My right
foot on one of the dots on the floor, and then I visualize rolling
the ball in line with the arrows on the lane. I’ve always
done it this way but the other day when we went for some reason,
I decided to shift my focus on the front pin. Instead, I didn’t
look at the arrows at all only the target and we bold like
I said. We bold two games and I got I scored 90. On each game
and I was so excited, I know that that’s not a Super high score
when it comes to bowling. But for me, it was huge. I was so
excited. I haven’t scored that high in years and the only
thing I did different was. I changed my focus, you know like
I said. Instead of you know trying to look at the front of the
lane and look at that, very first arrow and then imagine trying
to roll that ball along that pathway. Just looked directly
at the target. As I thought about this more later,
I realized several things from this, It reminded me that how
a simple change in focus in perspective or approach can make
such a huge impact just with that simple shift in in made so
much difference and that also because I didn’t go in with any
expectations. I was open to considering something different.
I never thought about. Changing what I was looking at,
I never thought about changing my gaze in the past. It was something
that just occurred to me that day and I think it was because
I was in a in a more in a mindset of being open to what was
possible and the and the third thing was is that I realized
that if I had teachers or coaches that taught me to set aside
some of that fear and consider a different possibility
and work with me on the things that I needed to do differently
that I might have kept going. It’s the exact same thing with our
healing process. you want to change your focus. You want to be
able to change your approach to it, but it can be difficult to
do whatever you need to you know it can be difficult to heal
whatever you need to heal when that thing is stand when when exactly
what you need to heal is actually standing in your way of
it. It might be feelings of shame like for me, you know when
it came comes to sports. just you know worrying about being exposed
worrying about being vulnerable and worried about the
potential of feeling shame so it might be for you. It might be
feelings of shame or struggles with feeling worthy or feeling like
you have to be responsible for everyone else. our patterns
take such a stronghold that it can be difficult to see out or pass
them. And the problem is is that a lot of times what we think
we need to do is get rid of it that we just have to set aside
or eliminate our feelings or or heal them but that’s only half
of the equation. There were two parts to the success that I
felt the other day at the Bowling Alley one was being able
to not set expectations for myself, which has. As a result of
my healing, but it was also shifting my focus at the same time
that made it feel successful. It took both so trying
to set aside my fear and thinking I could do a back diet.
for example. When I you know about the the you know thinking
back to the dive class thinking that I could just do a back dive
off the diving board without learning how first didn’t achieve
it for me. I just ended up on my back so we can learn. Heal our
patterns, but if we don’t do something different once we do that,
then we’ll just fall back into them again. If I would have
used the same approach at the bowling alley, If I would’ve, you
know, continue to just look at the the dots and the arrows on
the floor and tried to throw the ball in alignment with those
then I might have walked away proving to myself again that I just
wasn’t very good at it. Instead, I walked away thinking
it was fun and ready to go back. So instead, We can learn to replace
the old with the new we can learn to both heal, our patterns
of thought and emotion and learn how to replace them with something
else in order to achieve what we’re looking for because
there’s more to it. There’s more to achieving where
we wanna be than just breaking the cycle. But we’re often taught
that the opposite of what we don’t like is just what we do like,
but we don’t necessarily think of where we wanna be. We just
think about the opposite of of you know the the feelings that
we have take fear. for example, we’re taught that the absence
or the the opposite of fear is the absence of it. And when
we think about what that means we think that that means being
strong and bold and brave that instead of being in fear that
we need to be fearless but if you. About any situation where
fear or any negative emotion is holding you back. It’s not the
the the healing of that emotion that you want or the opposite
of that emotion that you want. It’s what you think that you
will be able to accomplish once you are healed. It’s what you
think you’ll be able to accomplish once you don’t feel that
way anymore. so Indiana, this example for me knocking down
all the pins being able to do a graceful back dive for you maybe
being able to dance your heart out traveling the world being
the best at sports being able to be in fulfilling relationships
being able to be as social gatherings and just have
fun. Those are the things that you want you wanna be able to live
your best life, but in order to do that you have to do more than
just heal. there are you know just like my the how I felt
at the bowling alley the other day. there are two parts to healing.
You have to learn how to see it for what it is how to see
the pattern and and and break it or heal it so that it’s not there
anymore. but then you also have to learn how to shift your
approach. Forward now, this doesn’t mean shifting how you view
the things that caused you pain. It’s shifting your approach
so that you’re able to thrive so that you don’t end up staying
in that pain so that you don’t just continue you know, spinning
over and over and over and the first step to doing that is accepting
that there’s more to it than just breaking the pattern because
the simple act of being aware that there’s more to the equation
will put you in a state. Being more open to what comes
next, like I said, just from the simple act of me, not putting
expectations on myself to be some sort of star bowler.
that day gave me a an inspiration to doing something a
little different and which allowed me to have fun. So so the
second step is learning how to shift your focus and and you
need someone who can teach you to do to teach you the ways to do
this yourself. They’re so simple. They’re so simple, but we
get stuck so stuck in it that we can’t see out and this is where
I can help you. If you’d like to know more about the services
I offer then I invite you to visit my website at Don Pettit
dot com. You can book an appointment with me and we’ll chat
about how I can help you both heal your stuck emotions and
learn. Shift them to something new so that you can be
where you want live the wife life that you want and actually
experience the things that you visualize yourself doing. I want
to see that for you so I invite you to reach out to me until
then or until next time I thank you so much for joining me
on this healing journey today and I hope you have a great day.