Hi there, Mark here. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all the kind messages you guys send me. Like this one from Natalie, who writes: Well, thank you! Well, hey, I would love to make a fanfic for you, but I don’t know anything about you. Except that you yawn in all-caps. But hey, I think that’s enough for me to work with. So, get ready. Cartoon Niall and cartoon Harry are about to go on cartoon dates in AAoOD 2. [Thud] [Thud] LOUIS: Harry, what’s with all the cereal? – It’s great, isn’t it? They sent me a bunch of free boxes for endorsing Tac-O’s. And look, each specially marked box has a One Direction doll inside. DOLL: “Nice!” – What is that? – It’s you, Lou. – It’s scary, Harry. – Very scary… Harry. – The problem is, I can’t find any Harry dolls, and I’ve eaten through like, 50 boxes, I just can’t find… myself. – Man, that’s deep. – So. you guys, help me eat through this stuff. I wanna find a Harry. Here, Niall, eat. – Just a minute, I’m working on my second plate of corned beef hash. – What? You already had a plate of hash, and now you’re having it again? – Sure. What’s wrong with rehashing? – Here, Liam, help me eat some of this–
– Aah! – Sp-sp-sp…
– What? – Sp-sp-sp-spoon. – What? – Uh, I’m afraid of spoons? – You say it like it’s a fact I should know about you. – It is a fact you should know about me. – You’ve never mentioned it. – I’ve mentioned it like a ba-jillion times. – That’s not even a number. And when did you mention it? – You know, in interviews and stuff. Huh. No, not ringing any bells. – What’s happening, boys? OTHERS: Zayn! – Where have you been, buddy? We haven’t you in… like… – Nine months? – Wow. Has it really been nine months? – That’s a long time. – Yeah, you could have a baby in that time. If, you know, if you got started right away. – So, where’ve you been?
– [Sniffs] And what’s that smell? – And why have you got rubbish all over you? – Oh, I don’t know, Maybe someone left me in the garbage chute of the Wrath-o-sphere for nine months. – Why are you looking at me? BOTH: Aah! Oof! – What an incredible smell you’ve discovered. [Laughter] Hello? – No, not ringing any bells. But hey, I’m glad you’re back. You know we love you, buddy. – Yeah, well, thanks to you the flies love me. I’m usually so fresh and so clean-clean. – I’m sorry, buddy. And I wish I could stay and catch up, but I got to get going. I’ve got a date. – Nice! Another date with Natalie. How’s that going? – It’s okay. She’s got a great personality, cute face, beautiful eyes… – But…? – Good, not too firm, not too– – No, I mean, but…? What’s the problem? You don’t seem too excited. – Well, there is this one thing. OTHERS: ♪ There is this one thing ♪♪ – And what’s that? – She’s a loud yawner. – A loud yawner? – A loud yawner. – What is this? Seinfeld? What do you mean she’s a loud yawner? – You know, she yawns all the time, and she can never do it silently. She always makes this sound like: [Yawns loudly] – Oh. Like a brachiosaurus. – How do you know what a brachiosaurus sounds like? – How do you not? – Well, I’ve got a date, too. – Speaking of dinosaurs.
– What? – What’s that supposed to mean?
– I was joking, About how you always go for older women. – That was ages ago. I don’t always go for older women. WOMAN: Oh, Harry. Are you ready to go? – Sometimes I go for the oldest women. – Lads, this is Sarah.
– Hello, boys! OTHERS: Hello, Sarah! – Later, lads.
– Later, Harry. – Well, I’m off to my date with Natalie. – Later, lads.
– LOUIS AND LIAM: Later, Niall. Well, Zayn, it’s just you, me, and Liam. – And the flies.
– [Sighs] Nine months. – Oh, Zayn, cheer up, buddy. You’re all right now. Come on, where’s that smile? Where’s that smile? Hey, Zayn, look, look. Look what I can do. – Ooh, isn’t that silly?
– [Chuckles] – There’s that smile.
– Ha ha. That’s pretty good. – What? Let me see. – Waah!
– Ow! What are you– – It was a sp-sp-sp-sp-sp… – Spoon?
– [Yells] – Wow, what’s with him? – [Nasally] I don’t know, but I think my nose is bleeding. Do you have a tissue? …No thanks. I guess I need to go find a loo. – But, you’re Lou. – I meant like a bathroom. – Oh, well, see you later? Hello? [Sighs] [Clicks tongue] [Watch ringing] PSYMON: 1D, come in, 1D. – Hello? – It’s an emergancy, boys. Report to 1D HQ, ASAP. – Um… We’re on our way. ♪ Zayn ♪ ♪ Zayn’s gonna save ya ♪♪ – Zayn, thank goodness you’re here. – I made it here as fast as I could. – Good, good. – So, is it just you, or…
– Yeah, I– – Are the other boys coming?
– Yeah, they– they should be coming. Might… might be a while. – Ah. – Yeah. [Clicks tongue] – So… where is everyone? – Uh… – [Sighs] Home at last. Finally, I can kick my feet up, listen to some tunes, and spend some time not thinking about– [Yelps] Sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-spoons. – Oh, Niall. Isn’t this romantic? – Yeah, buddy. – [Yawns loudly] – You tired? – No, not at all. [Yawning] – Bless you. – What?
– Nothing. Nothing. – So, how do you like the food? – It’s good. I mean, it’s no Nando’s. But then, what is? I mean, besides Nando’s. – [Yawns] – Bored? – No, I’m not bored. – Oh, ’cause, you just yawned. So– – Oh, I just yawn.
– Yeah. You do. – Do you–
– [Yawns loudly] – [Louder] Do you want to try some of my steak? – Oh, no thanks. I don’t eat meat. – Oh, you never told me. – Yeah, I’m a vegetarian. – Like a brachiosaurus. – [French accent] Hello, sir. May I help you? – Uh, yes. Do you have a bathroom? – Oui. – No, I don’t need to wee, I just need some tissue to– – But the bathroom is for peeing customers only. – Oh. WOMAN: O, 64. O, 64. – O, 64? Look at this babe, I’ve almost got a Bingo! – Shh! I can’t hear her call the numbers. – Sorry. [Quietly] Hey, I’ve almost got a Bingo. – That’s wonderful, Harry.
– B, 7. B, 7. – B, 7? B, 7?! You sunk my battleship! [Both laughing] – Shh! Be quiet! – Sorry, sorry. Just a little Bingo humor. – Yeah, very little.
– G, 48. – G, 48.
– [Gasps] Bingo. Harry, I’ve got a Bingo! – Bingo! Bingo! We’ve got a Bingo here! Bingo! – Bingo…!
– Excuse me, sir? Sir? Sir, you need to lower your voice. – [Deepens voice] How’s this? [Both laughing] – Well, I… I guess we should wait for them to show up. – Oh. – All right.
– So I don’t have to… – Sure.
– …Go over your mission twice. – Yeah, definitely. – [Sighs] – [Clicks tongue] So, uh, how’ve you been? – Good, good. Busy, but… How about you? – Oh, you know… – I know all. – Good. – [Sniffing] – What?
– [Sniffs] What’s that smell? – Oh, Niall left me in the garbage chute of the Wrath-o-sphere for nine months. – Aw, sad! You usually smell so fresh and so clean-clean. – Yeah, I can’t wait to get home an shower and… Wait a minute, you can smell? – Yeah. – Why wouldn’t I–
– I just thought, – ‘Cause you’re a floating head.
– I have a nose. – Well, you’re like a hologram. – I’m just a regular guy, Zayn. I put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else. – You wear pants? – Oh, Liam? Babe? You home? Liam! What’s wrong? – In the sink, There’s a sp-sp-sp-sp-spoon. – Oh, no, the spoon thing again? Babe, I don’t get it. Why are you so afraid of spoons? – I-I-I don’t know. – Was there, like, some trauma, like in your childhood, involving a spoon? Liam? Liam? Liam… WOMAN: Liam… Liam… – Oh, Liam.
– Mummy? – [Baby accent] Are you hungry? Open wide. Here comes the airplane. [Imitating airplane roar] – [Panting] [Whispering] The horror… The horror… – Tissue? Tissue? Anyone have any tissue I can have? Just a tissue or two? Guess not. – Hey, honey. You looking for something? – Oh, yes actually. Would you happen to have any tissue? – Sure do, honey. – Oh, nice! – But tissue is for paying customers only. – Oh. [With realization] Oh. – Oh, Harry. I really like spending time with you. – And I with you… like spending time… too. I’ll have to take you to meet my mum sometime. – Oh, that would be lovely. And you’ll have to meet my parents sometime. [Both laugh] – What are they? 110? – Yeah, they’re… de– Oh. – Your teeth fell out.
– My dentures! Oh, how embarrassing. It’s like my mouth is… naked. Oh, dear, would you look at me? I’m all gums. – [Yawning loudly] – Excuse me.
– Believe me, I’m trying. – [Giggles] [Sighs] Oh, Niall. – Oh, me. – Here you are, sir, your second plate of mashed potatoes. Can I get you anything else? – No, I’m good. You? – [Yawning] I’m fine. – We’re good. Thank you. – [Yawning] You’re welcome. Excuse me. [Sniffs] You got me yawning. – [Yawning] They say it’s contagious. – [Yawning] Yeah, must be. – [Yawns] – [Yawns] – [Yawns] [Both yawning continuously] [No audio] – [Sighs with relief] – [Groans] – [Clicks tongue] – All right, I’m just gonna go ahead and give you the mission. – Oh.
– Because, uh, – Okay.
– We can’t wait around all day. – Sure. What’s up? – The world is in peril, Zayn, And you must save it from the clutches of your most dangerous treat yet, Megafan. – Oh, no, not Megafan. – I’m afraid so. He says he is holding the world ransom, and has contacted us via video link to make his demands. Megafan, this is Psymon speaking. M-Megafan? Can you– can you hear me? Oh, good. I can see you n– – Hello? – Hello. – Can you hear–
– Good, I can see you too. – Sorry, what was that? – Hello.
– Hello. – Yeah, I can hear you. – Good, I can hear you too.
– I said I can hear you. – Good. I think there’s a little bit of a lag. – Hello! – H-hello?
– Hello. – Can you see me?
– I can see you. – Good, because I want you to see this! – What’s that? – I’m up here on my flying airship with my newly recruited army. With my super villainous superpowers, I have taken control of every single fan in the city. They obey my every command. – Well, that blows. – They certainly do. And if I command them all to blow together, I can create entire wind currents, Alter the Earth’s weather patterns, and bring about world wide climate change. I can ruin life on this planet as we know it! Unless… – Unless? – Unless One Direction will become my personal slaves. – Dude, no way! – Aw, come on.
– No! – Come on…
– No, Megafan. You don’t own us. Besides, you can’t really control the weather with a bunch of fans. – Yes, I can. – No, you can’t.
– Yes, I can, – It’s-it’s science.
– No, it’s pseudo science. – It’s not pseudo.
– It’s pseudo. – Well, it’s sort of pseudo.
– It’s super pseudo. – All right, all right! But I promise, I will find each and every one of you, and I will attack everything you hold dear. If you won’t belong to me, I’ll see to it you belong to no one! – Hello?
– Hello? – You froze, I didn’t know if you had disconnected or– – Oh, no, no. I–
– Or if you had anything more to say… – No, that’s it, really. Bye! – Man, Megafan’s gone metal. – I’m afraid you boys aren’t safe. Quickly, Zayn, You must find the others and warn them, before Megafan finds them first. – I’m on it.
– Good. – Smell ya later.
– See ya, Psy– Hey! – I made a funny! Ha ha ha ha! LOUIS: That’s funny, This Walmart is like a ghost town. Hello? Hm. [Gasps] But look, free tissues! Which is exactly what I’ve been looking for. That’s a bit funny too. Well, looks like my luck is turning around. There’s no stopping you now, Louis. – Louis! Stop! – Zayn? – [Panting] Louis, Thank goodness I found you. – Zayn, what’s the matter? – It’s Megafan, he’s after us. We’ve got to go warn the others. – Well, hold on, I need to get some tissue. They’re giving it away for free. – Wait a minute, this Walmart is like a ghost town, And they’re giving away exactly what you’ve been looking for? Don’t you think that’s a bit funny? – [Normal voice] I did think that, actually. Like, almost verbatim. – I don’t like this. It almost seems like some kind of… …Trap. [Gasps] – Oh, sorry. Just trying to kill some of the flies. – [Sighs] I swear, if Niall ever leaves me in the garbage chute of the Wrath-o-sphere again, I will slap him silly. Anyway, Louis, listen, Megafan has it in for us, And none of us is safe until we–
[Crash] – Did I get him? I think I got him. – Shh! Louis, the fans, They’re under Megafan’s control. – [Muffled] What? – What? – What? – I said “what?” – No, I mean earlier, I said “what?”
– Oh. You just gotta trust me, Louis. We aren’t safe here. – Well, the exit’s that way, we can make it if we run. – No… we can’t. – Why not? – Because we’re being hunted. – [Gasps] – Follow me. [Raspy purrs] They’re going that way. Come on. [Tapping] [Louis panting] [Whimpers] [Pants] DOLL: “Nice!” – Let’s go. [Both gasp] [Growls] – They’re blocking the exit. – Come on, we can hide in the restroom. – When you gotta go, you gotta go. – Louis!
– Wah! [Both panting] [Panting] Zayn? Zayn? We just got mobbed by fans! – [Sobbing] We just got mobbed by fans!
– Aw, Louis, cheer up, buddy. We’re all right now. Come on, where’s that smile? Where’s that smile? [Growls] Clever girl. [Fan growling, punches landing]
Ooh, ugh, ow! Ow, ow! ♪♪ – I had a wonderful time tonight, Harry. Thank you. – No, thank you. – No, thank you. – No, thank you.
– No, thank you. – No thank you. No, thank you.
– No thank you. No, thank you. – Let’s not fight. – Okay. Goodnight, Harry.
– Goodnight. [Both scream] – Goodnight, Niall.
– Goodnight. – [Screams]
– [Yawns] [Niall yelps] – Goodnight.
– Goodnight, babe. Try and get some rest. And don’t think about spoons. VOICE: Spoons… Spoons… Spoons… Spoons… Spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, Spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, ♪ Spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons ♪ ♪ Spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons, spoons ♪ ♪ Look out, look out! ♪ ♪ There’s something evil twitchin’ in your kitchen ♪ ♪ Boogely, boogely! ♪ ♪ Silverware everywhere ♪ ♪ They’re terrible, horrible spoons ♪ ♪ Look here, look here ♪ ♪ They can carry soup or peas ♪ ♪ Or disease! ♪ ♪ Spoonely, spoonely ♪ ♪ Lock your doors, check your drawers ♪ ♪ They’re terrible, horrible spoons ♪ ♪ Look in a spoon, you look like a clown ♪ ♪ It’s all fun and game, but turn it around ♪ ♪ And now your face is upside down! ♪ ♪ It’s truly the devil’s work ♪
[Evil laugh] ♪ They never slice, or chop, or spear ♪ ♪ Or whisk, or dice, or pierce, or smear ♪ ♪ No, all they ever do I fear is spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon ♪ ♪ They’re terrible, horrible spoons ♪ ♪ They’re big, they’re small, they scoop, they flick ♪ ♪ They’re silver, they’re wood, they’re a bowl on a stick ♪ ♪ They hold solids and liquids. There’s nothing that stops them ♪ ♪ They’re convex on one side, concave on the opposite! ♪ ♪ Spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon ♪ ♪ Spooooooo… ♪♪ – Baah! [Panting] Spoons. Spoons. Spoons. [Raspy, high-pitched voice] Spoons. Stupid spoonses. Stupid, stupid spoonses. We must dispose of the spoonses. ♪♪ – Welcome aboard my airship, One Direction. It’s so nice of you to join me. – Well, you kind of kidnapped us. – I Know. I did kidnap kind of, ironically. That- that bad guys always do? – Oh, okay. – So, listen up, I’ve parked my airship here at the city dump, And unless you agree to be my slave, I will make your lady friend walk the plank, Right into the giant trash compactor! – Oh, no! – Your’s too, Niall. – Niall? – Oh. Oh, no! – Yeah, Niall, don’t go and leave her down there for nine months. – Ha! She won’t last nine seconds down there. As soon as she lands in the trash compactor, she will be crushed into oblivion. Allow me to demonstrate, Here we have just an everyday bowling ball. – Who goes bowling every day? – Some people do. Now watch what happens when I drop it into the trash compactor. And out the other end comes bowling ball dust. That will be your lady friend. – Oh, no, I can’t go out with ball dust. – Well, I’m giving you one last chance, Be my slave, and always do everything I want you to. – We’re not always gonna do everything you want us to. But that doesn’t give you the right to… Liam? – [Breathing heavily] OTHERS: Liam?! – What is he doing here? – Looks like he’s got some trash to throw in the trash compactor. – Stupid spoonses. Stupid, stupid spoonses. We must get rid of all the spoonses. – What’s he doing?
– He’s acting weird. – He’s acting like that little fella from Lord of the Rings. Uh… Gandhi! – His name was not Gandhi.
– No, it was, um… Galla… Galla… – Gallimimus.
– No, Gollum. – Yeah, that’s it. Liam’s turned into Gollum. Or, should I say… “Ga-Liam?” Ooh! – Admiral. [Purrs] Lift us off into the air, so no more stowaways can climb on board. [Engine roaring] And now, Harry, kiss your lady friend goodbye. – Um… my lips can’t reach from here. – [Chuckling] Oh, Harry. You always knew how to make me smile. I suppose that’s why I like you. – Well, if you like me, then why attack my lady friend? She makes me happy. – Well, maybe I don’t want her making you happy. – What– What kind of fan are you? – What does being a fan have to do with anything? – Well, because real fans are lovely. They bring comfort in times of discomfort, And they make me feel, dare I say it, a little cooler. – Yeah, fans are awesome. – I sudder to think of a world without them. – Yeah, fans are awesome. – I said that.
– Well, I’m saying it. [Whirring, winding down] – What’s happening?
– I think we touched their hearts. – They are no longer under Megafan’s control. – They’re setting us free! – No! Stupid fans! I hate this fandom. – It’s over, Megafan. Put that lady down. – Okay, I guess you got me. Psych! [All yelling] [Zayn grunts] – Louis, hold on! – Don’t worry about me holding on, I’m just worried about you holding on. – Don’t worry about me holding on, worry about my date holding on. – Don’t worry about me holding on, worry about Harry’s date holding on. – Don’t worry about me holding on, worry about Harry holding on. – I can’t hold on! You should probably worry! [Screaming] – Ha ha ha ha ha! HARRY: Zayn, help! [Electrical humming] [Projectiles ricocheting] – Oh, no! Megafan’s armor is impenetrable. – That’s right. You can’t stop me from the outside, And unlike those other fans, I can’t be stopped from the inside. – [Gasps] From the inside. – Goodbye to the very last spoon. – Hey, Liam, can I borrow this? Thanks. Hi-ya! – You jammed my fan blades. No! – Nice work, Zayn! – Thank Liam for bringing the spoons. – [Normal voice] What is going on? – Augh! Curse you all! – Give it up, Megafan. You’re powerless now. – Well, if I can’t blow you away, I’ll blow you up. [Computer jingle] – Welcome to Self-Destruct 2.0! – Self-destruct?!
– 2.0? – Is this your first time self-destructing? – [Sighs] Come on. – Please enter your 20-digit self-destruct number now. – You won’t get away with this, Megafan! If you keep messing with our lives, attacking our loved ones, well, believe me, It will all come back to bite you in the bum. Hey, my speech isn’t over. Don’t applaud yet. – Oh, no, I was just trying to kill the flies. – Oh. Well, where was I? – Oh. It will all come back to bite you in the bum.
– [Yawns] – Oh, come on. My speech isn’t that boring, is it? – Oh, no, sorry. I just yawn. – Oh. – Well, it will all come back to bite you in the bum.
– [Yawns] Heh heh. She started it. Yawning is contagious. – Well, where was I? Oh. It will all come back… [Yawning] You’re right, it is. [Yawns] – [Yawns] – [Yawns]
– No. – [Yawning]
– No, stop it. – [Yawning]
– No! [Yawning continues]
No! Get out, get out, get out of my head. [Fly buzzing] – [Choking] – Oh, no! Something’s wrong! – Is she choking?
– What happened? – I think the old woman swallowed a fly. – I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. – Perhaps she’ll… die! [All gasp] – Quick, the Heimlich! Give her the Heimlich! – [Grunting] – [Chuckles] Oh, yeah, you were so right, It’s all really coming back to bite me in the butt now. [Chuckling] – [Grunting] ALL: Whoa… [Chomp]
– Huh! Yow! [Yells] – I warned him. – You saved my life, Harry. Thank you. COMPUTER: Thank you for entering your 20-digit self-destruct number. Your airship will self-destruct in 90 seconds. Goodbye.
[Alarm buzzing] – It’s gonna blow! – We’ve got to get off this airship! – The controls are inoperable. We can’t land it. – Then how are we gonna get down? We’re so high!
– [Zayn coughs] – I know. We could take this sail off the mast and use it as a parachute. – Hold on just sec. – Mark? Mark?
– [Imitating alarm buzzing] – Mark! Would you stop that? It’s really annoying. – Sorry. – Sorry, what were you saying? – I said, we could take this sail off the mast and use it as a parachute. – That’s good thinking, but we’d still parachute straight down into that giant trash compactor. – You’re right, Zayn. If only we had some way to propel ourselves horizontally so we don’t land in the trash compactor. [Bell dings] ALL: The fans! – Everyone ready?
– OTHERS: Yeah. – One… Two… Three! – Our makeshift parachute is working. – Now for phase two. – All right, fans, blow! LIAM: It’s working. We’re not gonna land in the trash compactor. – We made it!
– And it’s all thanks to the fans. – Yeah, we wouldn’t have gotten anywhere if it wasn’t for the fans. – Wait, was that the whole point of the story? – Sure. – That was a long way to go. – Way to go, lads, we did it again. You boys make me proud to be a member of 1D. – 1D? 1D?! You sunk my battleship! [Both laugh] – I don’t get it. – Don’t worry, it wouldn’t be any funnier if you did. – Oh, Harry, I think I’m in love with you, and all your little things. – What? What’s that supposed to mean? – You know, like the crinkles by your eyes when you smile. – Oh, oh, gotcha. Well, hey, I love your hump. – My hump?
– Your hump. Your lovely lady lump. – Oh, Harry, that’s so sweet. I think I’m gonna cry. – Would you like some tissue? – Oh, thank you, Louis. You’re a doll. – I sure am! – Oh, ha ha ha! It’s a… Wow. Those never come out right, do they? – No, they do not. – Hey, where’s Liam? – I think he’s at home, getting some much needed rest. – [Sighs] Goodnight, babe.
– Goodnight. – Babe? What are you doing? – I thought you liked spooning. Don’t you want to spoon? – [Gasps] Sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp… …Spoon! ♪ Let’s go crazy, crazy, crazy til we see the sun ♪ ♪ And fall into my arms instead ♪ ♪ And never, never, never stop for anyone ♪ ♪ Tonight, let’s get some one thing. Yeah ♪♪ [Airship blades whirring] – Hello?