Stephen Colbert’s Tinfoil Hat

Stephen Colbert’s Tinfoil Hat


AND KAINE IS HERE AT AN
APPROPRIATE TIME, AND DONALD DONALD TRUMP– I NEED MY HONEY
LOQUAT– DONALD TRUMP IS ALREADY FLOATING THE CONSPIRACY THEORY
THAT THE ELECTION MIGHT BE RIGGED. AND WHO KNOWS, HE COULD BE
RIGHT, BECAUSE I HEARD THAT MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
PLANNING TO USE A SECRET BALLOT. AND THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF
CONSPIRACY THEORIES SHAKING UP THE ALT-DARKNET, LIKE HILLARY
CLINTON’S SECRET ILLNESS, WHICH WAS PROVEN LAST NIGHT BY NOTED
MEDICAL EXPERT, KARL ROVE’S FACE.>>SHE HAS A CONCUSSION ON THE
13th OF DECEMBER– FALLS DOWN, AND HAS A CONCUSSION. BUT WE’RE NOT TOLD ABOUT IT
UNTIL THE 15th OF DECEMBER, TWO DAYS LATER. WE’RE TOLD ON THE 25th THAT–
EXCUSE ME, ACTUALLY GOT THIS WRITTEN DOWN.>>THE WHITE BOARD, ON THE
HEALTH! I’VE NEVER SEEN IT.>>WE’RE TOLD ON THE 28th OF
DECEMBER THAT SHE IS GOING TO BE BACK TO THE OFFICE NEXT WEEK. ON THE 30th SHE IS HOSPITALIZED
WITH A BLOOD CLOT, BUT WE ARE NOT TOLD ABOUT IT UNTIL THE NEXT
DAY.>>TWO PAGES.>>ON THE 23rd OF JANUARY, 2013,
SHE SHOWS UP AT THE BENGHAZI HEARING WEARING FRESNEL PRISM
GLASSES THAT HELP PEOPLE WHO HAVE SUFFERED A CONCUSSION OR
TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY GET THEIR VISION RIGHT. IN FACT, THE NEXT YEAR HER
HUSBAND, BILL CLINTON, SAYS IT WAS TERRIBLE. BECAUSE SHE REQUIRED SIX
MONTHS OF VERY SERIOUS WORK TO GET OVER. THAT’S WHAT HE ADMITTED A
YEAR LATER.>>Stephen: OH, MY GOD! HILLARY CLINTON’S ILLNESS HAS
SPREAD TO MEGYN KELLY, CAUSING HER VERTICAL BLINDNESS IN ONE
EYE AND UNCONTROLLABLE GIGGLES! IT HAS GOT TO BE TRUE. KARL ROVE WROTE IT ON
WHITEBOARDS. THOSE ARE USED ONLY FOR THE
MOST SERIOUS MATTERS, LIKE CONSPIRACY THEORIES, FANTASY
FOOTBALL DRAFTS, AND DRAWING DONGS IN THE BREAKROOM. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THE
PUPPET MASTERS OF POLITICS DON’T WANT US TO KNOW. AND TONIGHT, I’M GOING TO SHINE
A LIGHT ON THEM IN MY NEW SEGMENT: “THE LATE SHOW
PRESENTS: STEPHEN COLBERT’S TINFOIL HAT.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS ALWAYS, TINFOIL HAT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY
REYNOLDS WRAP: KEEPING GOVERNMENT RADIO SIGNALS OUT OF
YOUR BRAIN SINCE 1999. WELCOME TO THE TRUTH BUNKER,
WHERE I SHARE THE SECRET TRUTHS THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW AND
I ACTUALLY DON’T KNOW. LET’S BEGIN. NOW, HILLARY CLINTON’S
SUPPORTERS SAY SECRETARY CLINTON IS NOT ILL. OH, REALLY? THEN WHY IS IT RIGHT IN HER
NAME ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY, ENOUGH POLITICS. THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT US TO TALK
ABOUT. IT’S A DISTRACTION FROM THE REAL
QUESTION: HOW COME ONLY ONE TYPE OF DOG IS ALLOWED TO BE FIREMAN? DO ALL OTHER DOGS LOVE SETTING
FIRES? IS CHINA GENETICALLY ENGINEERING
SUPER SMART BABIES? HOW ELSE CAN YOU EXPLAIN THE
FACT THAT BY THE TIME THEY’RE THREE, THEY CAN ALL SPEAK
CHINESE? I WANT YOU TO CONSIDER THE VERY
REAL POSSIBILITY THAT ALL JASON BOURNE MOVIES ARE THE SAME
MOVIE, AND THEY JUST ERASE OUR MEMORIES EACH TIME. HOW ELSE COULD I DO THIS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THERE’S MORE. IT HAS NOT ESCAPED MY NOTICE
THAT BOWLING BALLS AND ELECTRICAL OUTLETS BOTH HAVE
THREE HOLES, BUT FOR SOME REASON, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
PUT YOUR FINGERS IN ONE THEM. OR YOUR PENIS IN EITHER OF THEM. WHAT DO THEY NOT WANT US TO
EXPERIENCE? AND WHAT IS THE HIDDEN VALLEY
RANCH HIDING? IS IT ALIEN FOOD TECHNOLOGY? I KNOW I CAN’T STOP DRINKING IT. NOW, LET ME JUST– THERE’S MORE. LET ME JUST CHECK MY NOTES. LET ME JUST CHECK MY NOTES. OH, YES, IS IT TRUE THAT THERE’S
AN ELABORATE NETWORK OF GOVERNMENT-FUNDED HIGHWAYS
CONNECTING AMERICA’S ON-RAMPS? THE SO-CALLED “NEW TESTAMENT?”
IT’S ACTUALLY QUITE OLD. ( LAUGHTER )
AND WHO REALLY WROTE THE WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE? AND WHO REALLY WROTE MY TERM
PAPER ON THE WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE? BECAUSE I HAVE PROOF IT WASN’T
ME. WHEN I ORDER THE SOUP AND HALF
SANDWICH, WHO’S EATING THE OTHER HALF OF MY SANDWICH
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HO’S WATCHING THE SHOW “BONES?”
( LAUGHTER ) THEY SAY IT’S BEEN ON FOR 11
YEARS, AND YET I HAVE NO PROOF THAT IT EXISTS. NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE’S A
LOT OF POWERFUL PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT US TO KNOW THINGS. BUT REST ASSURED, YOU CAN ALWAYS
TRUST ME, BECAUSE I CAN’T BE BOUGHT BY SOME FACELESS
CORPORATE ENTITY. AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR
SPONSORS.