-I want to wish everyone
a happy Valentine’s Day. If you and that special someone agreed that you’re not
exchanging gifts this year, right now, you’re probably
realizing that was a trap. [ Laughter ]
But this is nice. I saw that today Cinnabon
was selling a heart-shaped tray
of cinnamon rolls. Yeah, ’cause nothing
quite gets people in the mood like eating an entire tray
of cinnamon rolls. Burger King also celebrated
by offering a free Whopper if you brought in a photo
of your ex. [ Laughter ] And if your boyfriend
works at Burger King, it’s also a really cruel way
to break it up with him. It’s like, “Sorry. I’ll take mine with cheese,
please, yeah.” Meanwhile, I saw
that you can actually buy chocolate-covered strawberries
that are infused with weed. They’re pretty cool. If you eat enough of them, Matthew McConaughey’s
Lincoln commercials actually start making sense. You go, “Oh, he’s fishing.
I get it.” Listen to this —
I saw that the first message to be printed on a candy heart
was back in 1866. Even crazier, the message was,
“Art thou up?” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] And this is very nice —
A woman in Virginia is giving her husband
of 38 years a kidney. Which made it awkward today
when he was like, “And I got you this.
It’s a Whitman’s Sampler. [ Laughter ] And I ate two of them.” Of course, President Trump
is enjoying Valentine’s Day. Today, he lit a candle
and sprinkled rose petals all over his tanning bed. [ Light laughter ] Speaking of Trump, yesterday,
Attorney General William Barr said that the president’s tweets make it impossible
for him to do his job. Meanwhile, Trump’s tweets
make it very possible for me to do my job. [ Laughter,
cheers and applause ] Well, guys, the news
can sometimes be pretty heavy. So I thought I’d take a second
to focus, in a poetic way, on some of the news stories
you might have missed that are a little bit lighter. You’ll see what I mean.
It’s called “In Lighter News.” Here we go. -♪ “In Lighter News” ♪ -Roses are red.
Violets aren’t classic. Texas man ate only dog food
for a month, says, “I feel pretty fantastic.” [ Laughter and applause ] Roses are red.
Violets hate bugs. Florida troopers find narcotics in bag labeled
“bag full of drugs.” [ Laughter and applause ] Roses are red.
Violets are small. Police break up men
fighting over cheese balls. [ Laughter and applause ] Roses are red.
Violets grow further. Man arrested for trying to pay
for prostitute with hamburger. [ Laughter and applause ] Some entertainment news. The new “Sonic the Hedgehog”
movie came out today. If you remember,
the movie got delayed ’cause they had to redo
Sonic’s whole look after people complained
about his teeth. Remember?
Here’s the old Sonic. Yeah. Here’s the new one. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] And here’s where they
put the old teeth. Yeah, much better, yeah. [ Laughter and applause ] And finally, I saw that
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is going to be a guest judge
on the next season of “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” [ Cheers and applause ] Every part of that sentence just
made Mike Pence grab his chest. We have a great show.