All right, everybody,
welcome to the first episode of Lights Out with Me. -(cheering, applause)
-Thank you. That’s your cue. Yeah. Thank you. A lot has happened this summer,
so let’s catch up. First thing– the movie Dark
Phoenix bombed in the theaters, and Caitlyn Jenner
was a jerk on Instagram. -(laughter) -It’s been
a rough time for X-Men. (laughter) You get it. After two crashes, the
Boeing 737 will get rebranded. They’re saying it’s perfect for
people who don’t like flying, because you’ll be back on
the ground before you know it. (laughter) (man continues laughing) (laughter) Jersey Shore mom Snooki
was criticized for posting a pic
of her drinking wine while feeding her newborn baby. Snooki, of course, responded
to all the mom shamers, or, as we like to call them,
doctors. (laughter) They’re called doctors. Jeffrey Epstein… Did you just get that one? (laughter) -That was a good one.
-Okay. This one you might not like.
Jeffery Epstein may have tried to hang himself in prison
but failed– in fairness, he’s used to having a Girl Scout
tie the knot for him. (laughter, groans) Yeah. That is an A-plus joke. Oh, you like it? Okay. That’s embarrassing,
but I guess if he were hung, he wouldn’t need to chase kids. -(laughter, groans)
-Yeah! Coming in hot, Whitney. -First show.
-(scattered clapping) (man speaks indistinctly) (laughs) Scientists
have made a new brain implant that restores vision
to blind people. Great. Now can we touch
your (bleep) dogs? (laughter) They’re so weird about it. Taking it to the blind! -(laughter)
-Those blind, I’ve been waiting
to pound ’em all summer. Uh, a teenager from Pennsylvania
won the Fortnite World Cup and a $3 million prize. This is the most money a kid’s
ever gotten to play video games that wasn’t
on Michael Jackson’s lap. (laughter, groans) I feel like it’s a record. -Even that one seems tame.
-Too soon. -It’s too soon?
-Hey, hey, do you have any… do you have any jokes
that aren’t about pedophilia? -(laughter)
-And is this the format? We’re supposed to heckle you
during your monologue? It wasn’t gonna be the format,
but it suddenly is. (laughter) Uh, I thought you’d behave.
All right, the, uh… Okay, they’re toning down. No, this is another subject. Okay, the president
of Planned Parenthood was forced out
after eight months. That joke kind of writes itself. (laughter, groans) Right? Yeah! Yeah! -It’s okay.
-We were… we were…
we were checking our phones. -(laughter)
-Okay. An Amazon delivery driver
was caught on camera defecating on the lawn
of a home he was delivering to. My question: Why was Neal
Brennan delivering for Amazon? What a burn! You’re Neal Brennan. You won’t get away with this. Easy cut. Netflix has lost
a lot of subscribers after they raised prices. Times are tough–
it’s gotten so bad, they only released 800 movies
yesterday. That still seems like
a lot to me. By the way,
I thought this was crazy. Harvey Weinstein’s team
filed a motion to dismiss
the sexual assault case.
the motion was this: Yeah!