Chappelle’s Show – The World Series of Dice – Uncensored


GOOD EVENING
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND WELCOME
TO THE MARCY PROJECTS HERE IN BROOKLYN,
NEW YORK. WHY ARE WE HERE? TO BUY WEED? NOT THIS TIME, BILL. NOPE, EVERY ONE KNOWS
WE’RE HERE FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY. WE’RE HERE
FOR THE EIGHTH ANNUAL WORLD SERIES OF DICE. WELL, THAT’S RIGHT, ROB. SOME OF THE GREATEST PLAYERS
FROM AROUND THE WORLD HAVE GATHERED HERE TO
COMPETE FOR THE GRAND PRIZE: ONE ANOTHER’S MONEY AND BRAGGING RIGHTS
FOR THE WHOLE YEAR. LET’S MEET THEM,
THESE KINGS OF CLICK-CLACK. FROM KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI,
LEGENDARY SHOOTER GRITS N’ GRAVY. GRITS N’ GRAVY. KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI. FLYING IN FROM
THE FAR EAST IS PHYUCK YIU, ONE OF THE PREMIER
DICE PLAYERS IN THE EASTERN HEMISPHERE. HE HAS PLAYED DICE IN SOME
OF THE GULLYEST OF GAMES. PHYUCK YIU. KONICHIWA, BITCHES! DROP THE CARD, BABY! AND THAT’S
LEONARD WASHINGTON. YOU KNOW THEY SAY, “PAPA DIDN’T
TAKE NO MESS.” WELL, NEITHER DOES LEONARD. MY NAME’S
LEONARD WASHINGTON. WHERE I’M FROM? A LITTLE TOWN CALLED “NONE OF YOUR
GOD DAMN BUSINESS.” LET’S PLAY
SOME DICE, BITCHES. AND FINALLY,
FROM THESE VERY PROJECTS, LOCAL LEGEND ASHY LARRY. WHY DO THEY CALL HIM
ASHY LARRY? WELL, THERE’S YOUR ANSWER. ASHY LARRY. MARCY PROJECTS. MARCY, SON.
WHAT. OKAY,
LARRY GETS FIRST ROLL. LET’S SEE HOW HE DOES. THAT MAN IS DRIER
THAN KUNTA KINTE’S ANKLE. COME ON, LET’S GO. I STOLE THIS MONEY
OUT OF MY GIRL’S PURSE. SHE THINK I’M OUT
EMPTYING THE TRASH. COME ON, BABY,
I NEED THIS. WHAT YOU NEED
IS SOME CHAPSTICK AND A SET OF TROUSERS. ROLL THE DICE,
YOU ASHY MOTHER FUCKER. START THE GAME. ALL RIGHT, BUT I’M ABOUT
TO GO FROM ASHY TO CLASSY. [moaning] OOH, AND JUST LIKE THAT,
ASHY LARRY IS ELIMINATED. OUCH. SHE GONNA KILL ME.
KEISHA GONNA KILL ME. LARRY, WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING? I WAS–OKAY, REMEMBER,
I WAS EMPTYING THE TRASH– AND THAT BETTER
NOT BE THE MONEY OUT MY GOD DAMN PURSE! I WAS–OKAY, REMEMBER– PICK THE SHIT UP
AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. THAT’S JUST WHAT I’M
TRYING TO TELL YOU! I WAS JUST TAKING
THE TRASH OUT. YOU HEAR ME?
I WAS JUST TAKING THE TRASH– SHE IS GONNA FUCK HIM UP. YOU SAID IT, BILL. OKAY, GRITS N’ GRAVY
IS UP NEXT. NOW, GRITS IS
MOST KNOWN FOR ONCE ROLLING 77 SEVENS IN A ROW
AT A CASINO IN LAS VEGAS, MAKING HIM
A MILLIONAIRE IN THE PROCESS. WELL, YOU KNOW, ROB,
EARLIER TODAY, WE ASKED HIM WHAT
HE DID WITH THE MONEY. LET’S TAKE A LOOK. I BOUGHT MY MAMA A CAR. I SPENT THE REST ON PCP. OKAY, SIMPLE ENOUGH. I LIKE HIS STYLE. LOVES HIS MOTHER. LOVES PCP. GRITS N’ GRAVY
IS READY TO ROLL. LET’S SEE HOW HE DOES. COME ON, PUT IN. ALL RIGHT. PUT UP OR SHUT UP. ALL RIGHT.
JUST HOLD ON. TIME TO DOUBLE UP! HERE TO TAKE
EVERYBODY MONEY. SEVEN!
SEVEN! SEVEN! WHAT YOU ALL KNOW
ABOUT SEVEN? PAY ME. BOY, YOU ARE
THE GODDAMN DEVIL. PUT IT DOWN THERE.
PUT IT DOWN THERE! LET’S SPREAD THIS AROUND.
YES. HUBBA-HUBBA! A’IGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I’M TIRED. I AIN’T GOT ALL DAY. I GOT BABIES TO KISS
AND BITCHES TO CATCH. ALL IN. ALL IN? I SEE YOU. [dramatic whistling] AND LEONARD
LAYING IT ON THICK. AN INCREDIBLE STARE DOWN BETWEEN LEONARD AND GRITS. LOOK AT THE FLARING NOSTRILS. MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP. OOH! SNAKE EYES!
DAMN! AND JUST LIKE THAT,
GRITS IS ELIMINATED. AND WHEN I LEAVE,
COME TOGETHER LIKE BUTT CHEEKS. AND IT COMES DOWN
TO THESE TWO MEN, LEONARD WASHINGTON
AND PHYUCK YIU. I WANT EVERYBODY IN HERE
TO GET BUTT-ASS NAKED! GET YOUR GODDAMN
CLOTHES OFF! THIS IS A ROBBERY! AND ALMOST ON CUE
THE GAME GETS ROBBED. LOCAL THUG
RODNEY “QUILLS” DINKINS, BREAKING INTO THE
MARCY PROJECTS HALLWAY HERE AND TELLING US ALL
TO GET BUTT NAKED. YOU KNOW, BILL,
DICE GAMES GET ROBBED. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. THEY VERY RARELY COME
TO A REASONABLE END. TV IS NO DIFFERENT. WHAT YOU WAITING FOR,
COOL BREEZE? GET BUTT NAKED
RIGHT NOW! GET IT OFF, SON! FIRST OF ALL, YOU BETTER
CHECK YOUR TONE WITH ME, MAN. I DON’T THINK YOU KNOW
WHO YOU’RE TALKING TO. I’M LEONARD WASHINGTON. I DON’T GET
BUTT NAKED FOR NOBODY. YOU WANT THIS ROLL, NIGGA, YOU GONNA HAVE TO
SHOOT ME. OKAY. THIS MOTHER FUCKER
HAS LOST HIS MIND. GOD DAMN! AND LEONARD TAKES
A SLUG TO THE LEG. OH, BUT I’LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING, ROB, YOU NOTICED HE SHOT HIM
BELOW THE WAIST, SO IT’S NOT
ATTEMPTED MURDER. THAT WAS VERY INTELLIGENT
ON QUILLS’ PART. QUILLS KNOWS THE LAW. THIS IS WHY BLACK PEOPLE
DON’T HAVE NOTHING. THIS IS JUST WHAT
THEY WANT US TO DO. YOUR MOTHER AIN’T SHIT. AND JUST IN TIME, HERE COMES
DUMB ASS ASHY LARRY. WHERE THE DICE?
WHERE THE DICE? WHERE THE DICE? YO, GIVE ME THAT
MONEY, SON! GO UPSTAIRS AND PUT ON
SOME LOTION, RIGHT NOW! KEISHA TOLD ME
JUST TO EMPTY THE TRASH. WELL, ROB, I GOT TO ADMIT, I SAW THIS ROBBERY COMING
FROM A MILE AWAY, WHICH IS WHY I PUT
MY CAR KEYS UP MY ASS. QUICK THINKING. THAT’S RIGHT, BITCH.
GET THEM GODDAMN CLOTHES OFF. GET THAT MONEY UP.
GET THAT MONEY UP! OKAY, OKAY. SO ON BEHALF OF BILL BURR
AND QUILLS, I’M ROBERT PETCOFF SAYING– GET THAT RING OFF.
GET THAT RING OFF, MAN! SORRY, HONEY. SO LONG FROM
THE MARCY PROJECTS AND THE WORLD SERIES
OF DICE. HOPEFULLY, NEXT YEAR, WE’LL BE ABLE TO GET
ALL THE WAY THROUGH IT, BUT PROBABLY NOT. SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN! PUT THEM CAMERAS IN A BOX!