Ten cats does countdown Christmas special John Locke John Richardson Seafoam on Buxton Susie dense Racially and your host Jimmy Welcome to the 8 out of cats does count down Christmas special a show all about letters numbers conundrums and Christmas Okay, let’s meet tonight’s players. First up is team captain Sean Lock If Sean Lock was in the nativity, he’d be the innkeeper telling Mary to piss off. Joining Sean tonight is Bob Mortimer Both great to have you here tonight at Christmas. It’s just nice to know not all elderly people are alone Up against them this evening. It’s team captain John Richardson John Richardson is a family man. And I happen to know all his kid wants for Christmas is a stepdad And John’s teammate comedian and John’s actual real wife Lucy Beaumont We’re gonna give Lucy the best Christmas present she’s ever had for the next hour she doesn’t have to be alone with John Okay, tell us something about John we might not know um his left testicle No i’m only joking. So, this is something you might not know he’s got a really big crush on on Anthea Turner.
Is that true John? It’s true. Yes, I wasn’t aware… I wasn’t aware you knew that His biggest fantasy, I think, would be me and Anthea Turner folding clothes together There’s a little nod there, a slight warmth in your face this… What is it ya like about her? I don’t think this is really the… the place She wouldn’t let you take it to be a name on a Sunday I Coward you’re gonna have to tell Jimmy won’t be in a mess. What’s being it’s one of the leading variety stars in the country the riot II still It’s a bit like if being Q home they screwed pound light That’s all you go there every Sunday We don’t wanna so we do we don’t go on a Sunday extent busy on a Sunday we go He sits we don’t either you can have any tea towel you want If you shop at Vietnam you can’t help but believe that there is a Jesus because some of the Kilograms of kiln dried birch wood right for $6.99. That’s In the same shop you can get you know those big jars of pickled onions if they only happiness or chippies You can buy those the you don’t need ID Jimmy you can buy as much as a very faded sort of Creamy white Imperial two sons Imperial leather, you can literally buy as much More than you’ll need for your life In one visit and still have change out of a fiber Welcome to the ar-10 cats just count down Christmas special in association I Mean it’s the fairness the other shit shops are over. Sure. What’s your favorite thing about Christmas bnm? My favorite thing about Christmas timmy is this lovely sound which is the sound of jingle bells I Love it because you can doesn’t matter what you say. It just sounds Christmasy. You can say something like The final white rhinoceros has been killed During the species extinct I’m not actually your real father It just sounds christmasing yeah, what’s making that noise your testicle? Once the eggs hatch out they burrow through your nasal passage Brain and feed on your cerebellum till you’re driven insane So that’s why I like about Christmas Bob talked us through a typical Mortimer Christmas Just I just mainly think of being myself being sat in front of the TV enjoying very dry meat It’s funny it’s one of the driest Amit’s but we insist on making it last over three days We would like to help you eating to get involved in this one what I must first a was a vegan Really stuff some nice fat soft stuff up. You don’t even Christmas. No. Well what? You have each other’s and fit and I have beef and pork cracklin It’s gravy apart from that were vegan Okay a bob have you got a mascot I have Jimmy yeah I brought along my Very favorite pen attached him a very favorite to pol rusty I’ve often fought when I come in here worth sees Shawn that Shawn Matt kidnapped me, you know and harvest my organs But whilst have got this are built throughout me well and have sufficient protein to see me through that Is it why It was when you first met but Have been vegan. I’ve never read so much beef Lucy have you got a mascot? Well, there’s a few things These are all things that I’ve stolen from air B&B z– Waist Because when we saying air B&B z– You MIT as tied you up directly when we leave you want it to look tidy ax then when we went in And and the charge is a cleaning thing. So I think just to piss him off think I’ll just steal some of Your mascot well, it’s Christmas and it’s a time to think about those who are on their own at Christmas I Think one of the big things you miss out on if you’re on your honor Christmas is a good old argument in the afternoon over a board game So I’ve developed some sort of classic board games, but for that can be played by one person on their own So this this one is called Actually, it’s guess whom And It’s based on the classic So what you do is it comes with a timer and you sat on your own the timer goes off you go to your actual Door and you lock through the little peephole and you ask a question each sign like or how’s the person got glasses? And you go unlock through the door. And if it’s not you Adam, I’ll put you down there. There you go No glasses and then the timer goes off again and you go back and forth and eventually you realize there’s nobody at the door Cuz of course you’re on your own And that’s the way it’s going to stay cuz you’re the kind of person that says actually it’s guess who you deserve to die alone So I both adapted this game for one person and for the modern age, so this is so la Polly And give them what life is like for young people on their own now instead of you don’t doesn’t come with any houses or hotels Because obviously nobody now will ever own a house or hotel again So the aim of this game travel around the board amassing debt until you end up in prison with no means of escape And I’ve also updated the little plane pieces because I think they’ve less of a bit old-fashioned now You know when I’m upstairs, that’s what I’m Doing what you think I’ve replaced the car with a little bike because that’s sort of more cost-effective, isn’t it? I’ve replaced the the steam train with a rail replacement bus Replacement little Scottie dog with an over bred pug that’s got breathing difficulties Get bored of the game this one dies about halfway through And this is my favorite one this again updated for the modern era. This is no operation Now when you order this there is a six to nine month waiting list Before it arrives and then the game arrives got a little patient in there and you turn it on it lights off with all his ailments But you don’t get any of the tools so you just turn it on there and cuz there’s no tools in it You just watch him die Jones Christmas boardgames Sure you give the mystical it’s Christmas so I’ve got some of my Christmas cards and funny enough I do get a lot of Christmas cards from celebrities because I love them a showbiz lifestyle You know, I’m always turning up everything you’ll see me there and I love just hanging around celebs I love just love Billy show business. It’s great So I’ve got some cards here. This was the one I got from Piers Morgan and I’ll just read that out to it It says Shaun you’re right. I’m a massive prick I hate myself, so it’s no wonder you hate me, too Merry Christmas to you and your family. My Christmas will be miserable Well, I’ll be okay, but it won’t be much fun for my family because they’ve got to spend it with me And he’s done some exclamation marks piers. That’s nice, you know This one is for obviously from you Jimmy Yeah, that’s your Christmas message this year and it says to and then it just says insert name here Merry Christmas for mr. Jake are limited Because obviously that’s tax deductible then And and that’s just as agents number for booking and We’ve got all we got one here we all know, this is Jeremy Clarkson And it says dear Sean. Remember me. I’m the one that does the cars Can you please read the card out on your TV show because you’re on proper telly People actually watch your show we’re on something could imagine PS sorry, there’s no snow. Again. That’s my fault Merry Christmas Jeremy and that’s my Christmas cards Jimmy Redoute recording, it’s Adam bucks turn Adams got a unique look a kind of young Santa meets early Jerry Adams Adam what are you looking forward to in the new year? Oh man new decade exciting 2020 I’m looking forward to celebrating a very exciting anniversary It is 30 years since the creation of a seminal bit of film it Features these three people here That is me. My comedy wife Joe Cornish and Lois through when we were younger and this is what we would get up to in my first rented flat Clapham Common Northside Friday night, here we go People any embarrassing stuff from back there, I’m with Adam, of course, it’s Suzie dance Susie’s favorite thing about Christmas is a traditional turkey dinner every Christmas. It’s the same gobble gobble gobble And when she’s finished doing that she has her traditional turkey dinner Susie are there any festive words that you love? Yes, I think every year I took about the you hole Hole on your belt that you go to after Christmas dinner Mad Men fans if she takes a brown off she can eat, MA She worked in the adult film business from Annie charge the numbers, it’s Rachel Riley Okay, this joke I will stake my reputation on this Rachel is heavily pregnant. So let’s get a move on before someone unexpectedly slides down her chimney. I Like burping stuff you have to replace that the hard words with like phrases that don’t scare you that’s quite nice In process I don’t a man’s playing it to you about be fine. It’s no bigger than a bowling ball Okay, the prize the Chiefs will be competing for tonight are these countdown ballet costumes Five to the first game John Lucy you get the first pick of the letters How does this normally work at home? Who would normally choose things you let me choose things and then you correct them when I leave the house. I Mean paintings is anything to go by I’ve seen what you’ve done on the land in One flooping picture. I mean are just horrible there. That’s a lovely waterfall in the Lake District So you can pick nice is it a vowel? Yeah Hey, correct one point And then you can say another vowel Consonant three and another consonant s a vowel please a consonant Okay, and the vowel, please? A vowel, please. We should have no. Oh Okay consonant And the last one s and for the first time today, here’s the countdown clock Children singing arian bride so hangers talking to Once auntie you fat fuck John the milettis six, Lucy Sorry five First thing you said wasn’t even number Five minutes. Okay, Sean how many six six Bob? I’m good. Try seven. Sure. Ok, Lucy. What was your word spook? sticks Sticks John you’re six festive word skated Okay, Shawn, you’re six Kate But you’re seven letter word well, it’s a pun I thought I put an e in front two skaters and gopher skated You never know He is he is skated from the fish shop Six points about James But they could about sedates a Good Christmassy word see at the end of that both teams have six points Okay, Shawn Bob your turn to pick the numbers can I just have this Shirley special please Do love right before little ones are seven three one And nine and the big two one hungry. I’ll do in his 67. All right. So your target is five six seven your time starts now Okay, so the target was five six seven Bob did you get it no Sure, did you get it? Oh five six – five six – Lucy. Did you get it? Yeah, it’s awesome to add seven. I Think the time has gone off me. I know I Like the fact you called your wife mate Oh Jon’s you get it I think I got five six eight It’s Christmas we would allow you if you got five six eight. Yeah, I can get five six eight Yeah, but you’re me to do it. Yeah, go on fifty plus seven fifty seven few other times that by 10 So you add the 9 and the 1 together and you’re gonna get one away? And then you take off the three You actually got the answer but you didn’t declare the answer I just said May I be the first to say bah humbug John unique position to be absolutely after someone’s got the answer. You have to explain how you got a shit around 100 plus 3 103 x 7 minus 1 618 and minus 50. Yeah Okay, so Shana Bob have six channel Lucy have 13 And who is your teaser the words are elf stain the clue is it’s getting bigger that’s up stain. It’s getting bigger See after the break Welcome back the answer to the cheese the words were elf stained the clue was it’s getting bigger it was of course Inflates. Okay, so John and Lucy are in the lead They’ve been playing your team so far, but this game is just for Lucy and Bob Bob You don’t use the letters could have a consonant, please. Thanks, Bob. Why? foul, please a Consonant D. Vowel E And two consonants And two vowels Is that it no you’ve got another hole Looks like a Jewish festival Hey, okay your time starts now Fuck sake Susie Lucy M&E how many You thought this round was howling I can’t recruit five what one two three five Bob how many five please? Okay. Is that oh, sorry Five please Jimmy. Come on Susie put your back into it Lucy what’s your five voted? Okay, Bob your fight a whole – a Noel for starters you’re mixing this up and blankety-blank I think it’s a George Formby song. I was cleaning someone’s a hole No, no I care about the points but he didn’t have another fight I Hated but I plug for a hole I think because it’s Christmas we’re gonna give it to you. Thank you Jimmy Could they’ve done any better? No, it’s all fives. Death that’s voted All right. So at the end of that shorter bob have 11. John and Lucy, you’re in the lead with 18 Time for Jonathan to go head-to-head John your turn to pick the numbers. Can I just interrupt a minute Jimmy? Yes Is that alright? I know what the fuck is going on We have got something to tell you John Lucy you tell Lucy, you tell him Your not the father John Im only joking. Know I’ve been really hard work all year and I’ve got you a special Christmas present, you know you big fantasy It’s me and someone tidying up. Oh im nervous Anthea Turners here Anthea Turner everybody And just going to pop me on your knee. Oh I think that will keep everything nice and safe. Im just going to pull out here for a little bit A little bit but not all the way john. There we go. It doesn’t come out any more So I’ll take your lead on this. Would you? It all fancied up, when it’s three. You just relax..Jimmy: Why is that basket moving? Little mouse in the bottom of it Shall we make a start? Yeah Follow my lead into the middle to the middle another edge Keep your metals keep your mouths shut phones at home Oh yours Would you like it to do another This nice jump To the middle into the middle again to the middle again, we’re gonna fold everything, you know the lovely Thank you so much idea Jonah everyone Do you think that’s kick-started the passion in our marriage chicken I Didn’t know there wasn’t any Schedule oh, yeah Very um That was very confusing for me. I like that Okay. Don’t pick your numbers one take one five little ones and a counselor Ten three five one and seventy five And it’s all get 122 time starts now Dream by the fire to face unafraid the plans that we made walking in a winter wonderland To face unafraid the plans that we made Target was one tune to John. Did you get it? Yes, John. Did you get it? Yeah. Okay Shawn. How did you get it? 75 Right. There’s a number in it. Yep 5 times 10 is 50 add them together 1 2 5 take away 2 3 well don’t want you to Don’t same way. Yes Shawn there was a little a little glance across there just to just double checking He’s just got you. Just drawn a penis for those in the firm Until you see not busted Okay, so 10 points for both teams Okay, so Shana Bob have 21 John and Lucy still in the lead with 28 Time now to go across literally corner Anna Buxton, what have you got for us? well, I’ve got some reviews for you reviews of Christmassy and in the modern online environment negative reviews bad reviews can really damage a business and A lot of restaurant owners now have to spend most of their time checking posts left by customers on sites like TripAdvisor and the Google reviews and respond to them for example the owner of this Indian restaurant in The United Kingdom. We’re not naming the restaurant for reasons that will become Abundantly clear very shortly, but for the sake of balance Here’s a review from someone called Tony who leaves a generous five-star review most of the reviews for this restaurant were good I’m gonna obviously read out mainly the bad ones because they’re enjoyable, but Tony says great service Nice atmosphere and fantastic food and here is the first response from the owner who says hi We do our best Thanks Then it comes to the less positive reviews Beginning with one from Luke. This is without doubt the worst dining experience I have ever had in my life eat here at your peril As I was eating my main dish I noticed that several pieces of my chicken had clean holes punched through them which made me think they had been salvaged from some leftover kebabs from a previous patron and reconstituted into my curry Spare yourselves a ruined evening and eat elsewhere Response from the owner don’t come to a business drunk You and your pretty law girlfriend Came to my restaurant drunk If you believe that the chick accused in your dish was leftover from another customer then why the hell did you finish your meal? You must also believe your girlfriend sleeps around Especially with your friends beginning to wonder if she’s been with your father Here’s a review from Richard possibly the worst Indian food I’ve ever Partially eating in my entire life lamb bhuna resembled tasted like canned dog food With so much sugar added it made me retch The papadums was so stale They tasted as though they had been hanging in a agen food museum for five years That’s one of the best museum Let’s go look at the papadums The pilau rice was like rats droppings My wife and I left almost everything and refused when asked by the waiter to pay a tip that evening we were both sick Richard you are a sad pathetic. I Doubt you even know what good food tastes like I’m guessing that you caught your wife Looking at another guy and giving you the week That is why you are angry and that you have taken your anger out on us you Richard are pure scum of the earth The lowest of the low, I hope you learnt that being a liar is not smart pure idiot Festive customer service therefore you owner of that Indian restaurant The clue is I want more that’s nutty log I want more break Welcome back the Arctic of the tease the words were nutty logged. The clue was I want more it was of course gluttony Okay, before we go on he doesn’t work on the show anymore, but he keeps on turning up. Anyway, it’s joe wilkinson Merry Christmas, Joe fuck off What’s that what’s going on Well, yeah, if I dear yeah, I’m a haircut. It doesn’t suit me. Can we just please please move on please? no, I mean oh Right. Well, I’ve I got my head stuck out with dead reindeers ass Yeah, yeah As they come on as Santa being pulled by a couple of reindeers, but one of them this one – sure Got a bit nasty And he swallowed me how and then he died shitting me back out Do you want your present? Yeah – just swallowed that and also I won’t have to saw gross I saw his undercarriage a little bit Got your tin arises I’ve got an idea for a Christmas bonus around. Alright, go on the the guess could guess Whatever. They think I can crawl out of Dashes are soul in under 30 seconds or not bearing in mind This happened last week with another reindeer Prancer. I did where I should call out in exactly 30 seconds I know it sounds a lot showing off But yeah, and whoever guesses right will win their team two bonus points So Sean, do you think Joe will be able to climb out of dashes ass in under 30 seconds? Well, what do you think? Yeah Yeah, yes Please a lot Jon Lucy. Do you think he’ll be able to climb out of dashes asshole within 30 seconds? I’m gonna say no, I think you say no. Fuck you Okay near 30 seconds starts now I think he’s got it. Come on. You bastard cocky bastard Trying mouthing wanna get stressed. I love them I think directly penises Fuck off What wife and their Joe I tell Jimmy I do not know. The only thing I could think is that – there is a much tighter rector than Prancer, okay? Thanks, two dashes ever so tight rectum is two points to Lucy and John Be my mental image alone giving birth now in it Okay, look again Jonah Lucy your don’t choose the letters will have a consonant place, please Place a Consonant, please. Why and another consonant please? Look what James writes, you know you can but it’s just the letters that are up there A vowel, please. Oh and another vowel please e And a consonant please J. And another consonant, please Another Vowel I okay your time starts now I Need a pen and paper Okay, John Kemeny six Lucy how many five five I’m sure how many five six, oh six six Okay, Bob everything for? What you get Yeti Yes Lucy I’m Oh y-yeah Noah It’s friend. It’s a French word. It’s not in assuring your six meteor. Wow Thank you, what a brain I know Job, what’s your six? Remote remote Joe. Are you? Okay? No, I’m having a breakdown, but that was okay What about trade you want a drink oh we got eggnog Oh lover eggnog favio. Can you get Joann eggnog? I Would add a straw all along so look when we had a drink Oh, yeah, I didn’t expect that much in my ear I’m gonna get an ear infection because of age Adam Suzie. Could they have done any better? only one other Metier that’s your speciality. Yeah, they’re just sixes. So the end of that JAMA Lucy are in the lead with 36 points Please I’ve had too many that’s I Sorrells. I’ve had too many she open the break Welcome back the answer to the tease the words were ice orals The clue was I’ve had too many it was of course calories. Okay time for our final letters game Shawn Bob you get to choose Go mad consonant, please Rachel go. She can s bow please e Consonant. Ooh Zed. Can we throw that one away? Just to let you know, I’ve tried to hold my nose blow the eggnog out Out of my ear and it didn’t work If it helps I can pour my water all over your face I’d love that absolutely I Tell Bueller’s figure I couldn’t quite hear what you say I Thought you just asked me how I was Can I have a consonant, please oh the games going on a team Consonant, please F Consonant, please. Oh wow a Consonant please o Consonant, please. See Wow I okay your 30 seconds starts now When the kids are singing and the band begins I short how many seven what we have to count the bowl Kebab what have you got uncle five letters five? Okay, Oh John six Lucy You got five? Okay, what’s your five fast? Okay, I bob prize Price. Okay, John your six crisps actual praises Okay, Adam Suzy could that done you better don’t think they could have done any better Got a spires Okay, so short about 34 I John Lucy had 36 Tokio crucial countdown conundrum your time starts now You don’t need to do it sorry Adam he went it Bob reinsert, I mean no Joe nutrients About 34. John eleuthère 46 sir. Congratulations John Luciano. The proud owner of ease the countdown ballet costume I’m Jimmy’s back with celebrity quizzes such as Richard Ayoade II and eluding for the big fat quiz the year 2019 Boxing Day at 9:00 and Richard Ayoade II is the maze master next as Scarlett Moffatt leads a brand new celebrity lineup for the Chris lemierre’s Christmas special that’s coming up next You